1. Whenever he does this, you mimic him. The catch is you lean over the cubicle wall and spit into *his* trash can.

2. Bedazzle his phone.

3. Make very loud sex noises in the background to be picked up by the speakerphone when he's on a call.

Take it to yours/his manager...

Call him from an anonymous number and make him say embarrassing things.

What's the hierarchy here? You outrank him in any way?

Good advice, mirror and match, that should piss him off no end. Also if he is a bit homophobic keep coming up to him when he is on the phone and making passes at him, ask him when he is taking you out, tell him loudly he left his butt plug round your house last night, etc, etc. If he questions your behaviour just say that from the way he behaves you thought he was 'game for a laugh' and could take it.
If he threatens you tell everyone in the office you're being bullied, in the end he will either kill you or take out a restraining order against you.
To be fair I could have a field day with this guy, he sounds like a great larf !!

"tell him loudly he left his butt plug round your house last night, etc, etc."
-Exquisite.

Buy some headphones, listen to music, and mind your own fucking business.

Mapu that's terrible advice. His co-worker is obviously doing something that annoys the workplace. A place of work must be quiet and serious because in the US, if it's not, you don't make your targets and they'll fire you. To ask that krellin (who's pretty loud and annoying himself but at least he does it on here where you can mute him) be the one adapting to him instead of the other way around is really quite moronic.

Seriously, though, have you just tried talking to him directly? He may just not realize he's being annoying...

My thoughts...I'm lactose intolerant...I thought about slamming a half gallon of 2% milk on the way to work and letting him share the results...

The situation: Our reaHe's been here 15 years, I've been here 1 year, but same role. I work for the President, who is within earshot of both of us, but he is kind of an "independent" operator - owns his own accounts/clients and brings in good cash flow for the company, but has free reign. So technically, he is under the President, but he sets his own rules. My job is the same as his, but we do not work together other than that we occasionally share candidates and help each other.

As for "just takling to him", apparently he has been doing this for *years* and nobody has said anything, or whatever was said bounced off him like bullets off superman. He is a rather self-absorbed douche bag...I don't think he cares much what others think.

Another question, did you talk to your other co-workers about this and do they feel the same?

"As for "just takling to him", apparently he has been doing this for *years* and nobody has said anything, or whatever was said bounced off him like bullets off superman. He is a rather self-absorbed douche bag...I don't think he cares much what others think."

This may be true, but if you talk to him first, it gives you the moral high ground if you need to do something more extreme. Also, if he makes more money for the company than you do, I'd be very, very careful.

red - I'm a dick here...in real life I'm a quiet, polite professional who is well liked.

My co-workers do all the feel the same, and have brought it up to me - that's why it's so weird, because I'm low man on the totem pole (can I say that? Was that racist???)

Oh well...every time he does it I write and email to my wife and vent. It's keeping my wife and I in touch throughout the day...so it's improving my marriage. I'll take it for the blessing it is.

I feel better now.

Abge - for *now*, he generates more cash-flow than I do, but is paid more. By end of next year we could very easily generate equivalent cash flow. I'm not much of a boat rocker...I put up with douche-baggery in real life quite well....(Yes, you can not tell from my forum presence, I know, blah blah blah...)

Slip some cyanide in his coffee. Problem solved... forever. As an added benefit, you get to move up a step on the corporate totem poll.

Tolstoy...clearly that is the line of thinking I was *hoping* for from a bunch of back-stabbing associates on WebDip....now, I need a plan that won't leave chemical traces or other evidence leading back to me.

So...the real question unspoken above, of course...is how do I commit an indecent act and get away with it...<rubs hands and laughs wickedly...>

<disclaimer...this is for fun, and you can not use this against me in a court of law...>

The guy is hilarious, he is a caricature of himself.
Vive la difference, he sounds like a guy who is hard to take serious so don't take him serious, doubt him, if he says something meaningful and serious just question him.
If you can't enjoy a maniac like this go work in a library or a charity shop

Hmm...

Well one thing I would start with if you're pretty new at the office is invite people over at your place for dinner. Say, the nicest person that came to see you at the office about this loudness thing. You want to be really popular before you take him on. Also, you'll wanna work a little harder before you do, come to the office a little earlier, etc. Take your time for this one, he seems like a big fish.

Is work from home an option? I get more done on my days at home than at the office anyhow. At home I actually work. At the office I hang out here. :-)

The Octavian 3 step plan to glory:

Borrow his bin. That way the next time he hocks up a mild panic will descend upon him as he desperately searches for somewhere to jettison the load.

Hire a hooker to phone him at work and pretend to be a furious mistress. He will be less keen to use speakerphone after that.

Be real nice to him so he doesn't suspect it's you. Buy him a new ringtone for Xmas (and tell the rest of the office it's your present to them too.

If all else fails you must abandon the plan and resort to the nuclear option of the office environment. Hide his cup and steal his stapler!

Be sure not to follow Draug's advice, with all due advice Draug, letting yourself be bullied out of the office is the beginning of the end, even if home hours are productive. You should only go work at home because you're actually getting stuff done there, not for this guy, that's for sure.

Red speaks the truth. If the chap who sat next to Hitler at art college had stood up to him when Hitler borrowed his paints without asking and left the red a sort of muddy brown, imagine how different the world would have been.

I think that's an interesting description of the color of national socialism. "A red left muddy brown"

Draug - I could do 95%+ work from home...but the boss won't let us. It sucks. :(

Octavius is pure, malicious evil. I think I love him.

On a one to one basis you ask him how he would deal with a colleague who has annoying habits. People like giving advice so he will tell you want to do. If he says ignore it, say so you would ignore their loud ringtone. If he says confront them, you say, what confront them about spitting into waste papers bins, are you sure he wouldn't be offended. He will get the point, and the humour hopefully.

If he's a dick he'll start doing it twice as bad knowing it pisses you off. If he's human he'll realise he may have gone too far and reign his habits in a little. Either way I'd be surprised if he'd take offence.

Good luck with it.

Btw - I used this approach with my manager and it worked, so hopefully it will have a better chance of sucess with co- workers.

Normally, I'm not a big fan of anonymous notes, but when it comes to neighbors and co-workers, I'm all for them. Gets your point across and makes sure you don't have to deal with any fallout. Be as polite as you humanly can.

If that doesn't work, it's time to take it to management.

Get yourself promoted to President.

Dude never comes in to the office until after 9:30...(but he claims to stay until all hors of th night...). Perhaps I will go purchase some fart spray. It wont' stop his bad behavior, but I will thoroughly enjoy my secret revenge...

Well, if you want to be evil...

Get an eye dropper and put some stuff in it that smells bad but only from a small distance away, a couple of feet, and then put some in the middle of his seat. Assuming your office is keycarded so someone could see who got there first, you wouldn't want to do this before work, instead you'd need to do it discretely during the day and then go to lunch.

A non-evil option would be to get a different cubical, but one that appears to be an upgrade such as next to a better window, assuming you can get such. But if that takes you away from the President and you want to be near him, that may not be an option.