Here's what you do. First, you break the twig into three small pieces, each equivalent in length. Equal length is important. If they aren't equal, science will break and the iguanas will eat you. Next, you need to take the small rock and tap out the lyrics to "Night Moves" by Bob Seger in Morse code on the metal pillar. This will undoubtedly attract the attention of a mountain gorilla. Mountain gorillas are excellent sources of blood because they are so large. Using one of the equal length bits of stick, kill the mountain gorilla by poking the stick into the weak point in its armor, which is slightly below the neck at the top of its back. This is especially difficult because a mountain gorilla is not easily distracted. To distract the mountain gorilla, you will need to tie the small rock to a second length of stick to fashion a karaoke microphone. The gorilla will sing the lyrics to "Night Moves." During the piano solo, you need to stab the gorilla. The gorilla will die instantly. Remove the bit of stick and use it to skin the gorilla (this could take several hours). Use the skin as a disguise, because the pterodactyl that guards the other pillar eats humans but is afraid of mountain gorillas. Second, make sure you do not break the sac encasing the thorax of the gorilla, or else you will spoil the blood. Pterodactyls feast on mountain gorilla blood. This will be your offering to the pterodactyl.
Now comes the tricky part. Since the other pillar is a kilometer away, you will need to figure out how far a kilometer is because the metric system is stupid. It turns out that a kilometer is .62 miles. .62 miles is quite a long way, too far to jump, because you would clearly die if you were to jump .62 miles to the ground. The only way to the other pillar is to summon the pterodactyl. Unfortunately, the pterodactyl doesn't respond to Morse code, nor can it smell your delicious mountain gorilla blood from .62 miles away. You need to attract its attention. Hopefully, you know that pterodactyls are ravenous sex addicts. Perform a sexy gorilla striptease while swinging a lasso fashioned from the unlimited rope. This will attract the pterodactyl, who will likely be sporting a raging hardon. A horny pterodactyl that drinks mountain gorilla blood will keep his boner for approximately five minutes, which should be enough time for you to grab onto the boner and have the pterodactyl fly you to the other pillar. Using some of your unlimited rope, nestle yourself in between the pterodactyl's scrotum and erect penis. Stroke the penis to sooth the dinosaur. If you stroke too hard, however, the pterodactyl will ejaculate sparkles and you will fall .62 miles and die. But be sure to stroke hard enough to avoid blue balls. Pterosaur blue balls are likely to have killed most of the dinosaurs.
At this point, the pterodactyl will have landed on the second pillar. Now, consider your situation. You are still on top of a fucking pillar and you're not sure how you got there in the first place, or where you got this unlimited rope.
Am I close?
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Australian Team - World Cup Diplomacy
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