@krellin
First, let me say that I thought the story read very well. As an Engineer, I appreciate clear, precise writing, but I'm all too familiar with people who simply can't write. You have a style that works for you and you don't try to reach beyond it to appear pretentious.
Second, I liked your use of technology. I thought the mind link, the autonomous cars, etc, were well-placed, relevant, and realistic.
Third, by the end of the story, I felt I had a connection to Peter, which is ultimately one of the most important parts, so good job there.
Now, for the criticism:
General nit-picking:
1) pg 1: "foolish pride." Not sure what you mean here. Is it really pride?
2) pg 2: "'soon such lapses won't be allowed'" Should he be saying that, or just thinking it? Maybe it's just me, but that part was a bit confusing for me to parse.
3) pg 7: "dime to coffers" Seemed very blunt. Is there not a more clever way to say this?
4) pg 14: "quite unique" Something cannon be "quite" unique. Unique is a binary; it is unique or it is not unique.
5) "belligerent" hacker? Is there a better word to use there?
Cannon nit-picking
6) pg 8: He wears a watch? Really? Are you trying to make a statement about how watches are timeless? Would make more sense to me if he just could "think" about the time or something and access it via his link.
7) pg 9: Coffee stains? Kinda like the watch; why do people still have coffee stains?
8) pg 12: Government or Corporation control? Currently the government is one step higher than Religion, but what if the manufacturer was actually the one in complete control? You could make this a criticism of Religion *and* consumerism. Just something to consider.
Large Story Changes:
9) I feel you introduce the brother too soon. In fact, what if he doesn't find out what happens to his brother until the very end (more on this later). We would be following Peter on more of a journey as he discovers the entire story of his brother. As it stands, we learn everything about him right from the beginning before we can form an attachment to Peter.
10) The girlfriend should be mentioned earlier, no? It's always better to show things, rather then tell them. It would only take one small scene pre-religion to show his change in attitude towards her. It would be more powerful that way.
The Ending:
There's a serious problem with the ending. First, it simply doesn't make sense that he can't go into his brother's room, but he can look up schematics on how to disable his link? That's a serious breach of cannon, if you ask me, and felt like some serious deus ex machina. There needs to be a better way, because this ripped me right out of the story.
I like the ending conversation with his father, but it felt a bit unfinished. What I think would help is if it was somehow revealed right at the end that his brother killed himself doing the same thing. Despite finding this out, he then does it as well. I think this would give much more power to the story. As it stands, the reader knows what he'll do as soon as we learn his brother has already killed himself.
Just as a suggestion, what if he was told that his brother was actually away as a missionary for the Church. He goes through the story thinking it's true and then finds out that it's a lie. Just a thought.
Overall, I enjoyed it, but I think you could make it significantly more powerful by fixing the end a bit.
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5 min not more.
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