The Sultan Responds
Normally we are not invited into the lush halls of the Sultan, but today were granted an interview with the would-be emperor. His take on the "Crisis in the East" follows.

Diplomacy Daily: Let's just get one thing straight up front. What do you have to say to the threats of penile skull penetration, Sultan?

Sultan Mustafa al-Akbar Zarqawi Husseini III: We have already unfurled our "Mission Accomplished" banners on the Black Sea fleet. There is nothing more to be said. The Russian insurgency is in its death throes, and the good people of Islam and the Turkish empire will not be bullied or threatened by terrorists like this man, the Tsar.

DD: A "terrorist?" So Russia is not, in your opinion, a sovereign nation?

S: Of course not. Italy and Austria, now those are sovereign. On the sovereignty scale, I would rate them about a 9.

DD: Out of?

S: What?

DD: You said there was a sov.. (at this point the Sultan's glare was so strong we decided to switch questions) So why the sudden declaration of hostilities this year? You have shared borders for centuries.

S: As you can no doubt see by the Russians' barbaric behavior towards good Turks, they are a backward nation and we have found the political and military will to destroy them.

DD: Didn't you try any diplomacy before rushing into this war?

S: Of course not. We can not deal with groups who are on the axis of evil.

The second article, with the Sultan's comments, was mine. And it came with a picture of the "Mission Accomplished" banner with an Arab sultan standing in front of it.

Haha, excellent press! I'd love to play a game with either of you.

And for those of you interested, link to the game:
http://phpdiplomacy.net/board.php?gameID=6134

let me know when you guys play another game....I wanna play too :)

Yeah, that was a good read...hell, why don't you guys make your own "ridiculous press only" game? :) Or communicate using only "newspaper" articles via global?

That's awesome... Please count me in for the next game! ;)

lol sounds wicked

I'm in.

I would be definitely be interested in joining if a game like that is created.

Ridiculous Press sounds great.

Sounds like the sort of press releases we had in the old days, only with better grammar.

From Austria/Hungary in response to German aggression:

Ocular Penetration Program Implemented in Austria-Hungary! Emperor Penetrates Germans on Two Thrones!

In a clear sign the Russian institution of Ocular Penetration has spread around Europe, Hapsburg Emperor Franz-Josef-Klaus-Gergely II has ordered a similar program regarding German citizens trapped inside the Empire since the outbreak of hostilities.

"Since it is clear Germany wishes to drive through the Headlands of the Empire, I will not rest until every despicable, scheming one of them has been skull f**ked twice: once for Austria, the other for Hungary," remarked the Emperor on the Austrian Throne. This plan is the latest response to Germany since that nation launched an invasion of two Austrian provinces, threatening its capital.

The Emperor himself admits the idea came from one Russia implemented on the Turks, but when critics of the plan pointed out that identifying ethnic Germans would be much harder in Austria than identifying Turks in Russia, the Emperor waved the question off.

"Every hard-accented, protestant-loving one of them will suffer!" he is said to have declared while on the Hungarian Throne.

There is no word yet as to whether or not the plan will work on turning the Germans back, but Austrian military officials remain optimistic.

And the reply from Germany:

In a clear statement of aggression, German Emperor Wilhelm II, King of Prussia, has responded to the practice of Ocular Penetration recently implemented in Austria-Hungary against German citizens with the following decree-

"Germany will not be deterred by your frivolous attempts at resistance. We are far too staunch to be held back by your inexplicable sexual practices. Take note, Austria, that Germany will not take the violation of German citizens lightly. We will continue to march forward unrelentless and take Austria as we would a supple young peasant girl, quietly tending her goats in the mountainous countryside. Lock up your goats, Austria. Lock up your goats."

At this point, since the Emperor left the press conference for a "good healthy hike in the mountains", the German Associated Press were unable to recieve comment on the role of goats in the German take-over of Austria.

lol...this is great!