A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Heisenberg was speeding across the bridge from Boston to Cambridge when he was pulled over by a police officer. Leaning in to peer at Heisenberg through the window of the car, the officer asked, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

My bank told me my password needed to be eight characters, so I entered "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

You really need to improve the quality of your jokes if you want your +1 whoring to be successful.

I've been away from the site for too long...

Although a friend of mine was teaching class about the Congo one day, and a jackass in class said "They eat people down there." I thought that was funny. :)

I hope that is a true story.

Putin...

You don't know shit about the Congo

A man walks into the doctor's office, because he is not feeling well. The Doctor gives the man an examination.

After the examination, the Doctor says, "Terrible news, my friend. You have a terrible, terrible illness and you're going to die soon without some very complex and invasive medical treatments."

The man is disappointed. He thinks for a moment, then responds, "You know, I think I'm going to want a second opinion."

"Okay," the Doctor replies, "You're ugly, too!"

@zultar

Thank you, Sir. I really needed a good laugh.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says "nice newt, what's his name?" The man replies, "His name is Tiny." "Why Tiny?" says the bartender. "Because he's my newt!"

A police officer pulls Schrodinger over for something unusual on his car. The police officer says, "Sir, are you aware that there is a dead cat on your roof?" Schrodinger replies, "I am now."

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Three mothers give birth in the same hospital--

A German, a Jew, and a Pole.

The babies look exactly the same, and after they put them in the waiting room, there's a mix up with the charts, and no one knows which baby belongs to which parent.

"I'll solve this" says the German dad, who promptly marches into the room with the babies and shouts "SIEG HEIL!"

The German baby snaps to attention,
The Jewish baby shits his pants,
The Polish baby plays in the shit.

*And not a single Political Correctness Fuck was given that day......

@zultar:
""Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. (...)"

There are eight words there.

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, ‘Mom I've got a problem.’
She says ‘Tell me.’ He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says ‘well, pussy and bitch’.
She says ‘Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.’
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, ‘Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says ‘Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?’
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says ‘OK’ and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, ‘son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.’
‘OK dad, so what's a bitch?’
‘Son’ he says, ‘everything outside that circle.’

NaCl
------
NaOH

The base is under assault

Twelve English majors serve on a jury.

The prosecutor grills the defendant, until he cracks and says "I'm tellin' you, I didn't do nothin'!"

One of the jury members leans over to the rest, excitedly--

"Oh, a confession!"

2 people in Arkansas are sitting on the porch drinkin' a beer. Meanwhile, a dog in the yard is lickin' its pecker.
Nodding his head to the dog, one guy says to the next "You know? I wish I could do that"
The other guy says "If you do that, that dawg'll bite you"

Doctor: "Hello Mr. Lewis, we've reviewed your test results and I'm very sorry to tell you that you have cancer"
(Mr. Lewis grimly nods)
the Doctor continues, "unfortunately that is not all the news. You also have alzheimer's disease, so you may have some difficulty remembering things.
Mr. Lewis: "well, at least I don't have cancer!"

from the BBC news:

In pictures: Missing Malaysia plane

Q: What do you call a Catholic choirboy who says he's never been sexually assaulted by a priest?

A: A liar.

Personally, I'm a fan of long jokes.

A teenage boy named Michael sits in class, when he hears they will be having a new substitute teacher for a few weeks. The substitute turns out to be a young, super-hot blonde. Michael immediately gets a crush, but he's not sure whether he'll ever be brave enough to make a move.

One day, Michael deliberately gets himself in detention, knowing the substitute will be monitoring the detention that day. So there they are, late in the evening, chatting and laughing. Suddenly, a thunderstorm cuts the electricity from the whole school. They light up a few candles and continue talking. The atmosphere is magical.. One thing leads to another, and... well, let's just say that before long, some magic happened.

Michael gets home late with a big smile on his face. His dad angrily asks where he has been. Michael tries to think of a good excuse, but decides it's better to tell the truth, even though it might make his dad furious.
So he says: 'I had sex with my teacher' and closes his eyes, waiting for a lot of yelling and being grounded for several years. Instead, Michael's dad grabs him by the shoulder and says:
'Son, you have become a man! Now, how about we go and get you that mountain bike you have wished for so long first thing tomorrow!'

So, the following day, Michael and his dad step out of the bike shop with a brand new mountain bike, and Michael couldn't be happier.
Michael's dad says: 'Well, now that you have the bike, why don't you ride it home?' Michael replies: 'I would love to give it a try, but my butt is still quite sore.'

Zultar, that gunshot joke was awesome.

We all know the Cinderella story. So after the Fairy Godmother had finished all of your magic, Cinderella suddenly gets her period. She has no tampons so the Fairy Godmother makes her one out of a pumpkin.

"Now Cinderella, you must be back by midnight or else the tampon will turn back into a pumpkin" says the Fairy Godmother.

So Cinderella runs off to the ball and the Godmother sits at home. Midnight hits and no Cinderalla. 1AM 2AM 3AM no Cinderalla and the Godmother is in a panic. Finally Cinderella crawls in at 4AM and the Godmother says "Where have you been? Are you ok? What happened?"

Cinderella "I lost track of time and Prince Charming turned out to be an asshole but after midnight I met a guy named Peter Peter...."

Q. What's the worst thing about being a clown?

A. Washing the bloodstains out of your costume.

My wife and I were tucking our daughter in last night, and I turned off the light before we said good night.
As soon as the light was turned off, my daughter said: "Ahh, I lost my eyes. I can't see anymore."
So my wife and I laughed and told her we thought it was funny.
Then she said: "Ahh, I lost my arms. I can't move them anymore"
We didn't laugh at that because we are used to that sort of noun or object replacement jokes at our house.
Then my daughter said: "How come you didn't laugh???"
My wife responded: "Because it wasn't funny in this context, honey."
Then my daughter sighed and said: "I lost my context."

Oh God! I just read this last post from zultar on the home page and it just said "My wife and I were tucking our daughter..." and, well, you know my vision sucks and one particular t looked like an f. I shot diet coke out my nose!

LOL. I was afraid that might happen, and lo and behold, it did.
I am glad to have made you shoot diet coke out your nose. It is funny to see an adult do that.

Yeah, but my monitors are a mess now. :-P

You managed to hit multiple monitors?

Let's hope it is from the diet coke, then.

@steephie, I was trying to turn my head and the spray went everywhere. Keyboard, both monitors, the desk. Luckily it went from right to left so didn't hit my mouse or pipes and tobacco.

@Zultar - kids say some great things...

One year we had my wife's parents over for xmas dinner. I had just come into the dining room and my parents in law had their backs to me so we were all facing my son who was 4 or 5 years old. My parents-in-law are quite religious and they asked my son 'whose birthday it was today?' I thought I'd help my son out so outstretched my arms in the sign of a cross - surely that would be a big enough clue.

"Is it Stretch Armstrong's?" He Said.

Happy days.