Don't listen to these guys, Conservative Man.

I thought your essay was brilliant. I lmfao the whole way through, and I thought all those over-the-top examples were just dead-on. These guys are so old they don't realize what popularity is in high school and how your work is the epitome of satire and wit. If I were your teacher, I would give you an A+ for the work and spoil myself so hard the class would have a collective orgasm.

I think you are also incredibly brave for coming here to ask for advice, but I'm sorry that these guys just didn't "get" you. They were just getting their own bitter life experience off their chest, and you had the present of mind to realize that their advice couldn't possibly be of any use to you.

Just keep doing what you are doing man, and remember that you already have all the answers you could ever need.

See, *that's* how you write satire.

@King Atom: I'm in Lang. Lit is next year.

@Ulytau: Well, she doesn't judge by "contribution to the field of satire", because the assignment wasn't satire, I chose to do it that way. But presumably she does judge it by how well written it is, which would be affected by literary talent. Why wouldn't she?

@mapu: See, I don't see how zultar's post was any more satirical than mine was. It wasn't any less either, but I don't see what he did in that short post that I didn't do in my whole essay.

@SD: I'm not the one who said I was a great writer. My teacher did. And by the context I assumed she meant I was a great writer for someone my age, not just compared to the rest of the class (which honestly, as a whole, is not very good at writing).

I'm popular. I'm a winner. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

Oh, nevermind. If you're in language, this wouldn't/shouldn't cut it. This is close to the kind of essay I'd turn in after doing it the night before. I don't know, maybe it's just hard for me to take anything of yours seriously. If you've read decent satire, you know that it's easy to make the mistake of taking it seriously. You've probably read "A Modest Proposal," just like everyone else does. It's given using a very rational tone. You want to sound like you know what you're talking about, not like a teenager...Just something to think about. If this were the AP test, you'd probably score pretty low, but since this is just for your teacher who already likes it, I really don't think you needed to ask for any criticism. And as someone who's taking Lit and has already taken several in-depth Advanced English classes, I'm telling you you need take your teacher's words with a grain of salt. She's there to help you, and she's seen how you've developed as a writer throughout the year. When she reads what you write, she's thinking, 'Oh! Look how far you've come,' not 'Does this hold literary merit?' And the most important thing that quality literary annalists look for (especially on the AP test), is whether or not something touches into a deeper meaning. They want to see that your essay is radically socially relevant, not just enough to make people laugh a bit.

@KA: Well the AP test is just timed essays. I'm honestly much better at timed essays than I am at these types of essays. I've gotten two 6s and an 8 on the three timed writes we've done so far this year.

See, this is why I'm convinced you are trolling with every post. Your posts are never outright trolls, but they are enough to get people talking. Then you reply with smooth denials of any errors other people point out while ignoring anything resembling advice that could be remotely helpful to you. So either you are an excellent troll, or your need to justify everything is going to cause you serious problems in college and the real world.

Conservative Man, I imagine that when your teacher said you were a "great writer", she had in mind the fact that you define yourself by your conservatism above all else. So she means that you're a great writer when compared with the efforts of modern conservatives. You're basically a better writer than Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Michelle Bachmann or Dan Quayle. Well done.

@jmo: I have no problem with taking criticism, expect when its delivered in an assholish way, which is what this entire thread has been.

How can you be better at timed essays than at writing assignments where you have days or weeks to develop the point?


I understand you not taking my advice to throw the essay and its topic to the flames. What I cannot understand, however, is why you're ignoring sound advice from others which would go a long way towards polishing that turd if you listened.

Wow, a George-Bush-is-dumb joke. How edgy and culturally relevant. We got a regular Lenny Bruce over here.

@Invictus: Because timed writing assignments have a prompt which I need to follow, which helps me structure my essays. And what other advice? The only actual advice I've gotten is to improve my conclusion, which I actually am doing.

By the way, CM, what's your position on: r/clopclop ?

Oh, c'mon, Invictus, if you're going to pull me up for being a bit out of date with my joke, at least focus on the fact I lazily mentioned Dan Quayle. That shit's like 20 or more years out of date. CM probably doesn't even know who Dan Quayle is.

A teacher isn't supposed to grade literary talent because literary talent is something you cannot learn. She should be grading stuff she teaches you and you are supposed to learn, not something you were born with. Unlike real life, school is supposed to be meritocratic and academic performance is supposed to be evaluated objectively. "Is new Swift" is not an objective measure.

This is Dan Quayle, CM. One of the Republican Party's greatest ever figures:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnAHsZFhRdo

@jamiet: Quayle was first Bush's vice president. I know my shit. But I'm a Ron Paul fan, so making fun of shitty neocons isn't going to affect me.

@ulytau: That makes sense. My teacher has never actually said what her grading criteria are.

What about r/clopclop?

@jamiet: I don't go on there (*shudder*), but I have no problem with the people that do.

@ CM

Thanks for the clarification. I only took the class AP English Lit/Comp, but I did take both the Lang/Comp and Lit/Comp tests. (In addition to US Government, US History, and Psychology. Got 4s on all of them :) )

My school only offered Lang/Comp as an independent study, but I took the test anyway.

CM, I'm the author of a California High School Exit Exam test-prep book for the English/Language Arts portion, and your essay, if a bit unpolished in the form you submitted, is well-developed and what's more, it has a point. Some of your more bitter critics on this thread seem to be mistaking the tone of your paper, which doesn't show bitterness at all--only hurt feelings. I say good job overall, and very good if you clean it up a bit, as you say you are doing (the conclusion in particular). And finally, some advice that I give students in my college classes when they work in groups: When someone gives you advice, say "Thank you," and then only use the advice if you decide it's worth something. I can definitely see the value of an series of assignments that has you writing on the same topic using different types of writing. Granted, this is not modeled on Mark Twain or Socrates or... Moliere, for example, but it's not supposed to be. It's one of a series of seven essays, not a time-intensive single showpiece essay. It does what it's supposed to. And I suspect that some of your critics are bitter that you are young and innocent while they are already face-to-face with their own mortality.

@CM- So basically, what people are saying is this... It has the makings of a good essay. A bit of work here and there, and it would be a very nice read. Some of them said it nice, others not so much... but the truth is, It's not great(content wise), but it's not absolutely terrible either. It needs work. My suggestion- Ask your English teacher, or a past English teacher, to give you some one-on-one advice on what they think of it(more than just the first 2 paragraphs), and go from there. some fine tuning would shut a lot of criticism up. As far as the grammar and such, it was very well written.

"...face-to-face with your own mortality...." As am I.

Oh come on Mujus, he posted this asking for advice, without mentioning the grade or class it was for. He got advice, I went through AP Lit not too long ago, got a 5 on the exam. I can tell you that if I had written that and left it in that form my teacher would have given me nothing higher then a 7. Which isn't bad, but it's not great either. I do think it comes off as too bitter, not excessively, but it overweighs the comedy. The conclusion needs some work, and it could flow better with some structure change. Like you said, some clean up needed. Now if that was written in a 40 minute time period, it's excellent for an AP reply. But it's typed up and he has time to ask for a reply, so clearly that isn't the case.

jmo, I think that's optimistic. I'm in AP Lit now and that scores a 5, tops.

Beyond that, even if you do make it better mechanically, the general point you're trying to convey still sucks. CM, write about something more interesting and try to sound less whiny.

CM I thought your essay was pretty funny. Not the most original essay, admittedly, but it made me chuckle a couple of times. You should try turning it into a stand-up comedy routine.

Ghug, I respectfully disagree on the tone. Sad and hurt is not the same as bitter or whiney.