Hey CM do you still like ponies?

http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-internet-finally-reaches-its-apex-as-man-marry,94206/

If you had an original joke in your paper, it might be humorous, which is why I will suggest **again** that you come up with some creative examples. As it is **all** of your attempts at humor are very obvious, very typical, trite complaints. Therefore, NO, they are not humorous, except maybe to the other nerds who think you are really sticking it to the popular kids because those are all the things you say to each other in the hallways.

2WL - I am not harsh at all; I am realistic. I told him the structure of his paper was good, earlier, and I have givin him concrete advise on how to improve it, but as it, it is trite and obvious. As you say in your criticism of me, "everyone does it..."....Exactly - this paper is what everyone does, therefore it is little more than a collection of common sayings and not creative or thoughtful at all.

If CM would, for a single instance, admit that maybe his paper isn't perfect and accept some criticism, I would have some respect for him. As it is, he posted it here for a single purpose: He was expecting everyone here to tell him how witty and smart he is...he was *not* looking for real feedback.

@CM - ...and you should not be writing a paper targeted to your high school classmates. You are in AP English...meaning you are supposed to be writing at a college level, and you are turning your paper in to an adult. That you eeked a laugh out of the popular girl that you secretly disdain is not to your credit...after all, you think she is a shallow moron.

@jamiet: yes, I still watch My Little Pony. I don't like them in that way, (*shudder*) but I have no problem with that guy doing what he wants.

You've never felt the urge to get married to a non-existent cartoon pony?

You know, I just don't think that's my thing.

Yo Jamie, stop dissing my bitch Twilight. Ain't nobody drawing smut with my lady in it. If you intend to carry on, rest assured I am trained in pony warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire armed forces of Equestria with over 300 confirmed kills. You don't want me tracing your IP down, do you?

@CM, just as a disclaimer all that I'm going to say I mean in the nicest possible way, well most of it anyway. Firstly, I would normally find it very irritating if someone posted an essay in a kind of 'look at me' manner, as I got the impression you were doing from your 'she said it was really good' (I rarely value high school teacher's opinions anyway - no disrespect but there's a reason they teach high school English instead of winning Pulitzers, or at least teach at a more advanced level), but I still decided to give your essay a read.

Now you're obviously quite proud of what you've written, and I think there's nothing wrong with that, it's good if anything. I can therefore sort of see why you posted it on here, but it probably wasn't the best idea, particularly as you seem quite defensive against all criticism... Anyways, the essay itself it is, in my opinion, not very well written, funny or insightful, and I agree with what's been said numerous times here, namely that you seem bitter, and it comes across like you're a bit of a loner who hates the more popular kids. Again about posting it on here, I can see why you would have thought to have gotten a better response (you probably assumed lots of the people here aren't cool/popular - no offence everyone - I actually like the majority of you), but I guess not everyone is as bitter as you (and also I think that there is a decent 'popular' population on this site). Maybe your teacher really did like it, I don't know, but many others seem to agree with me that your paper is not all that, at all.

Also as a less important point, this was a stupid essay to write, if you did this at my high school we, if we found out/saw it, would have all laughed at you, probably been right shits to you actually in freshman/sophmore year (that's what we popular people do, pick on bitter shitty loners ;) ). Oh and we would have written a much better essay than you at the same time, and not just because your essay is poor - although it is - but because not all popular kids just talk about snooki's pregnancy.

@SD: I bet you $100 I would get an A on this essay as is. I guarantee you this will be one of the better essays turned in for this project.
"but because not all popular kids just talk about snooki's pregnancy." Thats the point. I was exaggerating.
"if you did this at my high school we, if we found out/saw it, would have all laughed at you"
Well I actually showed to a couple popular kids that I sit near, and they thought it was really good.

Look, I'm not even bitter. The entire point of this essay was to exaggerate and make people laugh. That's it. I really don't care much about popularity at all. I'm happy with my friends. The only reason I chose this topic was because it was easy to write about.

@CM - that's fair enough and I didn't intend to be as critical as I probably came across. And maybe you would get an A, I'm not the one marking your essay so can't tell you if you would or wouldn't, but if you did, in the nicest possible way, that reflects far more on the standard an A is than your essay. Likewise for your essay compared to the rest of your class. Oh, and not that I'm a parental figure or anything, but I'll share with you something my father used to always say to me when I got full marks and best in class in highschool when I could have still done much better - you're not just competiting against your classmates. Even in a smart class being the top/near the top is impressive, but not the end all of end alls in the greater scheme. If you want to get into a top college programme you will not be competing against the kids in class that you're better than, you'll be competiting against some of the brightest kids your age - in the WORLD. So even if all you say is true about how your essay will be graded and how it will come out comparatively, strive for better!

Good for you!

It just came across that way because the thing is, with such an over-the-top satire like this, it has to obviously be satirical and not have a chance of just being your bitter lamentations. Something like A Modest Proposal by J Swift is a good example of a succesful instantiation of this genre. It's ridiculous, definitely over-the-top, and whilst it is expressing Swift's bitter feelings about English policy re Ireland, it is impossible to interpret as simply a bitter, angry retort; it is obviously trying to be humourous in its caricature, not just a thinly veiled rant. Again, yours may not be that, but the very fact it is easy to interpret it in that way shows that your paper can be better.

Anyways hope you get a good grade for this essay whether you hand it in like this or change it a bit.

If I were grading this essay, you'd get your A or A- or whatever, but with a lengthy note that it sounds like you're trying too hard.

"I bet you $100 I would get an A on this essay as is. I guarantee you this will be one of the better essays turned in for this project."

If you are of this opinion then why did you ask us to review it? If you're not willing to accept criticism then you are wasting the time of everyone who has replied. This community is actually very helpful when it comes to educational questions, and ignoring the advice of people giving you insightful critiques is just pompous of you.

You've been given advice, good advice, that can help you grow past a simple A grade. Part of asking for help is putting your pride aside when you are wrong.

Please don't take this as a personal attack, I'm just pointing out the truth, you were given good advice that you asked for, either take it or don't.

If you want to write satire, go read humorous novels. Get a good idea of how it's properly done. Visit the library and pick up some David Sedaris or Bill Bryson. Read Huck Finn or Catch-22. Get an idea of how the pros do it, learn a few things, and use it to improve your writing.

Candide is a classic I quite like

@jmo: I was looking to see if there were any grammar errors I had missed or ways where I could word things a bit better. That was the only advice I was looking for. I'd already showed it to my friends and teacher and they all loved it, so I'm already confident in how good it is. And what good advice have I gotten? All I've heard is people drone on and on about how terrible it is. Mujus is the only person who gave any semblance of advice.

"You are not popular. I get it. I lived it. I used to be just like you, a worthless wretch who had no friends and could not get a girl to save his life. A loser. A loner. The truth hurts, does it not? But I found a way to improve my condition. And if you have even a tenth of the swag I have (which is doubtful at best), then you can too."

Let's just start at the beginning: Who is this paper targetted to? The loser, the worthless wretch, etc...You immediately start your essay by telling the reader that they are idiot, the lowest of the low, etc...and in so doing, you immediately turn the reader away, because even if I'm not popular, I'm not *that* bad. And then you contrast this by insinuating that you, the writer, are not only popular, be the most popular of the popular, etc.

Even accepting the premise of what you are trying to do, you still have to try to connect with the reader. I read the first paragraph I'm not intriguied at all - I'm rather put off by how completely over the top it is. Yes, it comes of as satires/paradoy or whatever - it comes off as over the top attempt at humor...and very poor humor. Humor is supposed to engage the reader - you're supposed to feel like you are a part of the joke, that you can relate to the situation. nobody - even the lowest of the low - would read this and say, "Yeah...that's me..." and feel like they are a part of the joke.

Shall I continue through each paragraph? Or will you simply ignore the feedback?

Hey krellin, I'm pretty sure he has you muted...

@SD: My essay isn't simply just comparatively good. If that was the case my teacher wouldn't have said she loved it without even finishing it, she wouldn't have said that I'm a great writer, she wouldn't have said that I have a gift for satire (she's also read another satire I wrote a while ago). She wouldn't have said any of those things. But she did. And unless there is something in my last four paragraphs that makes the essay terrible in spite of the first two paragraphs, I know that my essay is actually very good.

I am pretty sure you will get an A for it, because grades assess technical aspects (which is natural) and this work has no serious issues English-wise. What we are trying to make you understand is that there is no reason for someone to read it, because the way you wrote it isn't particularly interesting, in our opinions anyways. If you look back in 10 years, you won't be saying "damn, that paper was great". We aren't trying to put you down or anything (we have each other for that), just trying to make you understand satire better so that you actually take something from the assignment instead of it being just another task to be done.

CM - you are also now a liar - I have you specific advice that you did not acknowledge.

If you wanted to check your grammar and punctuation, Microsoft Word actually does that quite well - you are full of shit if you are claiming you intent was to seek feedback on proper use of commas...

lol krellin has been posting here? I muted him like a year ago; I can't read anything he is saying.

You don't have me muted -- I PM'ed you and it didn't kick back. Now you're a damned liar on top of being a bad writer...

@Ulytau: I'm in AP English. She definitely grades on more than just technical aspects, unless you mean something different by "technical aspects" than what I think you mean. And what I really don't get is why no one here finds any of the lines funny. Everyone I showed it to in real life thought it was hilarious. But here, nothing. Also, if I apparently don't understand satire, why did my teacher say I have a gift for satire?

@CM, people have told you that it comes off as bitter. Whether or not you mean it too I agree it does. So consider changing some wording to make your point better. Krellin is correct, adding some over the top humerus example to personalize it would probably help. Even though he comes off as an ass sometimes, he does his own writing that is rather good, I'd take his advice if you are interested in actually growing your writing.

Several people have mentioned that the conclusion doesn't tie together well, that is something you can change by making it more of a comical ending or just tie everything together more coherently. Change the structure just a little bit to make it flow better so it sounds like less of a rant.

Go back and reread peoples comments ignoring the obnoxious or harsh tones and most of the advice is actually quite accurate and helpful if you're willing to take it.

@CM, some of the lines are funny, but you didn't ask how funny it was, you asked for advice. Advice focuses on the aspects that need to be improved, and the bitter tone off-puts the comical aspects. I'm not saying it's bad, it just needs to balance the bitter and the comedy a little better.

"And what I really don't get is why no one here finds any of the lines funny. Everyone I showed it to in real life thought it was hilarious. But here, nothing. Also, if I apparently don't understand satire, why did my teacher say I have a gift for satire?"

Because some people have standards, and some people are don't. I doubt that you're teacher was lying to you, but AP Lit (I'm assuming you're in Lit and not Language) requires very little from the satire unit. As long as you understand the key components of satire, I'm sure your teacher will give you an A. This'll probably work in your favor for the persuasive essay on the AP test. Those guys eat this shit up.

So, you think your teacher grades you on the grounds of literary talent, amount of work you put into it, contribution to the field of satire, correctness of the ideas presented or how much enjoyment she derived from your work? Because if yes, she is a bad teacher and you should tell her to stop doing that.

Hey man--I'm a HS History and Government teacher. Not being an English teacher, but still having a subject that requires a lot of student reading and writing, here's what I'd say:
If this were turned in to me, and it fit the requirements of the assignment (no typos/spelling errors, first person narrative/instructional, appropriate length, etc.), I would give it a reasonably good grade depending on my expectations for the assignment (like did I give a day or a week for this to be worked on and completed). Truth be told, I probably wouldn't use this as a shining example of work for some of the reasons rather bluntly laid out by those who replied before me. Don't be discouraged, though, creative writing on the high-school level tends to be trite and mundane simply because most high-schoolers don't have the life experience to say much that is actually entertaining or meaningful to anyone but other high-schoolers. If you like to write, keep it up--you'll only improve with time and practice. (As a side-note, sharing your writing on the internet behind the veil of anonymity is the surest way to get authentic, uncensored criticism provided in the most dickish way possible.)

@jmo: I muted krellin a year ago; I can't read anything he has said. And I thought my conclusion was rather comical. Did you not catch the vicious cycle that I described? That being said, I do have plans to add more to my conclusion. Oh, and I did intend to have a bit of a bitter tone at parts. I don't really feel that way in real life, but I felt it added to the essay. I don't even know how I would tone it down.