It's funnier if you imagine it's that tiny sinister penguin from that Wallace and Gromit short.

how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
it's an obscure number. you've probably never heard of it.

Actually, I envisioned the Linux penguin.

Feathers McGraw?

Yeah Feathers! Have you seen this chicken?

A Texan, a Saudi and a Mexican are in a bar taking shots. The Saudi downs his shot, throws his glass into the air and shoots it. He says "In my country we've got so much sand we can make all the glasses we want, so we never drink from the same on twice." The Mexican then takes his shot, throws his glass in the air and shoots it. He says "We make so many cheap glasses in my country we never drink from the same one twice. Then the Texan takes a shot, throws his glass in the air, shoots the Mexican and Saudi, and catches his glass. He says "In my country, we've got so many Arabs and Mexicans, we never drink with the same ones twice."

lol texas doesn't really have that many arabs..

not compared to michigan

funny though

People still live in Michigan?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel skicking out of his zipper. The bartender says "Hey there, Mr Pirate ... did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?" The pirate says "YAAAARGH, it's drivin me nuts!"

<*groan*>

@dragnar
was that groan meant for me? With as many "groanable" jokes here, I can't believe my favourite pirate joke would warrant the only one

What is the difference between jam and peanut butter?







I can't peanut butter my dick in you sister's ass.

You=your. Dammit.

Pirate jokes always get groans from me. ;-)

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with an emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $49.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, 'Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $52.60.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!'

And for the penguin lovers:

Frank is driving a truck load of penguins to the zoo. On the way, his truck breaks down.

Frank inspects the damage, sees his truck will need to be towed to a garage and so tries to flag down another truck for help.

Finally, David pulls over and asks Frank, 'what's the matter?'

Frank says, 'My truck has broken down and it is full of penguins that need to be taken to the zoo today! Are you carrying anything?'

David replies, 'No.'

Frank continues, 'Great! I'll give you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo for me.'

David says, 'sure.'

So they load the penguins into David's truck and David drives away. Meanwhile, Frank calls a garage to come fix his truck.

Later, when Frank finally arrives into town, imagine his surprise when he sees David walking out of a cinema with all the penguins.

'What the hell are you doing with the penguins!?' shouts Frank, 'I told you to take them to the zoo!'

'I did,' answers David calmly, 'but I had some money left over. So I took them to see a movie too.'

HA! For some reason I really like that one (the penguin one)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Now you say, "control freak who?"

A paedophile is walking an 8yr old deep into the woods.
The kid says “these woods scare me!”
“Tell me about!” says the paedophile “And I have to walk back alone!!!”

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"

"Impatient cow"

"Imp...."

"MOO!"

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"I eat mop"

"I eat mop who?'

Hint: Read aloud...(and yes, my sense of humor stoops to this level.)

I preacher in Alabama preempts his sermon with a serious concern.

"I have heard that there is a rumor going around that I'm in the KKK, I resent this and want to know who started this vicious lie. Well! Speak up!"

The congregation sat in stunned silence.

"I'm not leaving here without an opportunity to confront my accuser directly. Now whoever started this stand up and let's put it to rest"

Still nothing from the congregation.

The preacher, a little more subdued this time "brothers and sisters all will be forgiven, but I think I have the right to how this rumor got started. It has hurt me deeply."

Finally a beautiful, young blonde from the back to the church stood up. "Pastor" she said "there must have been some mistake all I said was you're a wizard under the sheets"

an old japanese lady is going to the bank to exchange her Yen for Dollars. She hands the teller a handfull of Yen, and the teller gives her $120. A week later she needs more american money so she takes the same amount expecting to get another $120, but the teller only gives her $105. When she asks about it, the teller just responds "fluctuations" Shocked, the little Japanese lady yells back at him "Fluct you white people too!!"

A man gets life in prison and gets assigned to a prison block with a lot of lifers. Nobody says much. But after a while, a prisoner calls out, "THIRTEEN!" and everyone laughs. A while later, another prisoner calls out, "FORTY-ONE!" and everyone laughs. Third prisoner calls out, "TWENTY-SIX!" and everyone laughs.

Finally the new guy asks another prisoner: "so what's with the numbers?"

The prisoner says, "well, we all know the same jokes. So instead of telling the whole joke, we just gave them numbers. So when a guy shouts out a number, we all know the joke, and we laugh."

The new guy nods. A few minutes later, one guy shouts out "FIFTY-TWO!" This time no one laughs.

"Why didn't people laugh that time?"

"You know, some guys just can't tell a joke."

@feidler:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Now you say, "control freak who?"

This has become my new favorite Knock Knock joke. I've told it 10 times since reading it here, and it kills every time ... mad props!!

use it wisely my friend ;D

Bert walks into a bar and opens a brief case. In the brief case is a foot high little fellow in a smart suit. He bows and starts playing a tiny piano, this guy is a real virtuoso. Before long everyone is crowded round in amazement. Someone asks Bert where he found the little chap. I didn’t find him, a deaf Gene gave him to me. How do you know it was a deaf gene, someone asked.

“Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?” Bert replied.

A US senator is giving a speech at the 30th anniversary of the founding of his parish. He's running a bit late, so Father Michaels the pastor decides to say a few words. "When I first arrived at this parish," he says, "I thought it was a terrible place. The first man who came to confession said that he had robbed a convenience store earlier in the week, stolen a purse, gone out to a local park and done all sorts of drugs, and had assaulted a man but was able to keep it covered up. But then I met the other people in this congregation and I realized that there are many good people here, and I'm glad I decided to stay."

Just then, the US senator arrives, a little out of breath. "Sorry I'm late everyone," he says, and he comes to the front of the room. Then he comments, "Did you know that I was the very first person to go to confession with Father Michaels?"

Henry Kissenger won the Nobel Peace Prize

so did yassir arrafat and barak obama. So really the joke is just:

The Nobel Peace Prize