For Wednesday, 9/12:

Two guys went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

People are divided in 10 groups: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

September 13, 2012:

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife, "Geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well," replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was 'geez, I didn't realize you had such a big butt...' then she threw me out."

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey," says the second guy, "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

September 14, 2012:

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

It's the 15th already here in the UK and no joke, I feel cheated

AWWWWW.. I'm so touched that I'll post one.

September 15, 2012

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.

'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'

'Moses,' replied the parrot.

`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

16th sept and waiting......

Man you annoy me, you know that? I live in Amurica, I do things on my own time.

September 16:

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to combine their finances and buy a car together. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.

He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tail pipe.

I don't get it

circumcision joke

I had a really clever comment for Sandgoose but considering it involved circumcision I wasn't sure if he'd get it either so… o_O

September 17:

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

A Bosnian joke...

Little Mujo takes his ball and goes to play by his neighbor's house. The neighbor comes to the door and says: "If you break a window, I'll come and gouge your eye out."

Well, Mujo plays with the ball, and - ah, children - breaks a window. The neighbor duly comes out and gouges Mujo's eye out with a spoon. As soon as the neighbor went inside, Mujo starts playing again. And the silly child breaks a window again. "What did I tell you," yells the neighbor, comes out and gouges his other eye.

Now, under the stern gaze of the neighbor, poor little Mujo starts touching the ground to find the ball. He finally finds it, takes it and starts to go home. The neighbor smiles: "Oh, running away, are you, coward!"

And Mujo replies: "I'm not. Daddy told me to go home when it gets dark."

Lol! A boy called Mujo :p

Yeah, it's always Mujo in Bosnian jokes. It's short for "Muhammad."

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink," then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

^ thats the good stuff.

This is my second favorite joke, and it works much better if you bring it up in conversation as a true story.

So, my sister has a maid who is an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Even though neither speaks much of the other's language, they become pretty close. So, it was no surprise when her maid came for help -- the maid's son, a little six-year-old boy, had been playing on some old crates behind their apartment and had injured himself very badly. His leg was cut, and it had become infected, and it wouldn't heal.

So, they take the kid to the doctor, where they run into serious trouble. At first the doctor refused to treat the kid at all, complaining about dirty Mexicans coming in illegally and such. It took over an hour to finally get the doctor to take the case. By the time things came to surgery, the boy's leg had to be amputated. But the doctor was so agitated (and, as court records later showed, intoxicated) that he prepped and amputated the wrong leg. His mom came back the next day, finds the boy with a missing leg and an infected leg, freaks out, takes the kid to another doctor, who amputates the correct leg.

Even though she was an illegal immigrant, the boy's mom wanted to sue the doctor. It was a very complicated case -- she was illegal, and so was her son, and the doctor was never paid for case which he had agreed to do under the table since the woman was so poor, and so on.

Finally, they got to open court, where the judge promptly threw them out. It turned out that the boy's case didn't have a leg to stand on.

Meep.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

HOLY SHIT HOW THE FUCK DID NIGEE POST THE EXACT SAME JOKE I WAS ABOUT TO POST LIKE FIVE SECONDS AGO!!!!!

"wrong box"? I don't get it ... [crickets chirping]

Box means vagina.

Fred & Harry are playing their usual game of golf and Fred keeps hitting his tee shots with a wicked slice ( ball curves to the right in flight ) and Harry keeps hitting beautiful straight shots onto the fairway.
At the clubhouse after the game Harry says to Fred " I used to have the same problem slicing my drives, but I've found out that if I give my wife a good long f**k with her spread out on her motorcar bonnet in the morning before I play golf I don't slice my drives"
Next week they are playing golf and Fred is hitting his drives nice & straight
& Harry says " I see you took my advice and have got rid of that slice"
& Fred says, "Yes, by the way I like that new shelving in your garage "


A retired Marine Captain is sitting at home reading the paper after Dinner and his wife comes in wearing a negligee, she giggles and says, " Do you remember this, I wore it on the first night of our Honeymoon nearly twenty years ago and when you saw me you said you were going to suck the life out of my tits and f***k my brains out. So what do you think seeing it again ?"
He says " Mission accomplished"

An interstate Truckdriver & his wife have just had sex and he says to her " Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm ?"
& she says " I suppose I could alway send a text message ?"