You’re a wimp. I get it. That’s why you need my help. You want to get a girl, and I know just how you can do it, too.

Okay, to begin, let’s start with the assumption that everything you have been doing up to this point is wrong. You with me so far? Okay, so now my first piece of advice is simple: Man up. Talk to the girl you like. I don’t care if you want to know what to talk about or how to maintain a conversation with a girl. Just man up. I don’t care if you want to know good topics for a first-time conversation with a girl, or how to keep their interest. Just man up. I don’t care if you want to know when the appropriate time to approach a girl is, or when the appropriate time to ask her out is. Just man up. I know all this stuff anyway, so obviously you should too. So just man up.

Now that you’ve grown a pair, we can get to the real issue at hand. Manipulating girls into liking you. Since obviously no girl would ever like you on their own, you have to make them think they like you in order for you to date them. The way to do this is to act cold and distant, like you barely even know them. The best thing is to act like you hate them; that really gets them going. But cold and distant works just fine. The less you act as if you like them, the more they will think about how a relationship would definitely work out, and the more they’ll want you. Once you get a girl, you’ll want to keep doing this to ensure that she’ll never leave you.

Another key to manipulating girls is to read into their body language and subtleties of their voices. Make sure you remember to do this. And if you don’t think you know how to do it, you’re wrong. I’ve always known how to do it, therefore everyone obviously does. So just man up and do it.

If you’ve followed my advice, you should already have at least one girlfriend, probably more. But I do have one more piece of advice to give you. Now that you’re a ladies man, you’ll undoubtedly have people asking for you to give them advice on how to get girls. Generally you should just repeat the advice I gave you, but feel free to give it your own twist. But whatever you do, don’t ever tell them what to talk with girls about or how to maintain a conversation with a girl. Don’t ever tell them good topics for a first-time conversation with a girl, or how to keep their interest. Don’t ever tell them when the appropriate time to approach a girl is, or when the appropriate time to ask her out is. Don’t ever tell them any of those things, because that would just be absurd.