I'm too lazy to edit the formatting, copied this out of an old email, enjoy:


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)



(wait for it)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day.

This one always gets me:

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Nice ones, keep em coming.. I need something for my standup at Holly's in a few weeks. No one liners allowed!

bo, I thought comedians wrote their own material......

He thought I was serious.

/trollface

“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.

“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.

“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.

“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

I was really happy after getting the results of my medical the other day. The doctor told me I was 6 stone overweight and scored 45% on my BMI ....... I didn't even revise !!

Had to take some temporary work in a bakery recently ........ I kneaded the dough !!

A homeless beggar came up to me in the street holding out his hands saying "I need change, I need change" ....... I said it's not change you need mate it's a routine.

Hey, I thought comedians wrote their own material!

I'm still missing my ex-wife ..... I need to adjust the sights on my rifle

I did write them mate ..... I'm a stand-up comedian

There's only one rule at Mute Club ...... you don't talk about Mute Club !!

ALERT: All animal lovers should skip this joke. Please note that if you are queasy or not fond of gross images involving faces being split open you should also skip this joke because it is too awesome for you.

How to give a cat a pill…

Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat again in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding back paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut to the count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from the top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth with the other. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with ear just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, insert end of straw and blow. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans and drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck just leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour a shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last date of tetanus shot. Bathe cheek with whiskey to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloody, torn t-shirt away and fetch another form bedroom. Then call fire department to retrieve the freaking cat from the tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little so and so's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two liters of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes remnants of pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for pound to collect "mutant cat from hell", and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How to give a dog a pill...

Wrap it in bacon.

My friend is in a 'The Cure' tribute band.......'The Prevention'
They are so good some say they are even better than the originals.

Why were the psychology under-grads disrespecting Freud ....... they were too Jung !!

Thread hijacked.. everyone run...

So there's this guy, a bit of a lad, has a different girl every weekend, believes protection is for whimps. One day he starts to feel unwell, but tries to ignore it. His symptoms get worse and worse so finally he goes to see his doctor. The doctor does a series of tests and then gives him the bad news.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you've got GASH."
"Gash! What's Gash?"
"G.A.S.H. Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Syphilis and Herpes."
"Damn! That sounds bad. What's the treatment?"
"Well we're going to admit you into that room over there and feed you on pancakes."
"Oh." said the guy brightening up a little (he quite liked pancakes). "Will the pancakes cure me?"
"No." said the doctor. "They're the only thing we can slide under the door."

"You stole my daughter's virginity!"

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

HA ^

For Tuesday 9/11:

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you."

The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me."

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!"

The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

Milk carton.

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?

You can't jelly your cock in your girlfriends ass.

Yeah, sorry, but I know a few that could.

This cowboy was riding across the range when he heard a voice say, "Stop riding and dig." The cowboy, intrigued, stopped his horse and started digging. He dug until he hit this hard box, a box of silver!

The voice spoke again: "Keep digging!" The cowboy kept digging and found a box of gold!

"Keep digging!" He kept digging and what luck! a box of diamonds!

The voice started laughing. "Now how are you going to get out of this hole?"

A guy goes in to see the Psychiatrist wearing nothing but a clear plastic loincloth.
The shrink takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

Come downstairs last night to find a man in the kitchen hacking at my cornflakes and weetabix with a large machete ....... turns out he was a cereal killer

@flemGem - jokes that rely on homophones don't work well when transcribed.

@Maniac - yes they do if you read them out loud.