The first one's cliched, the second one doesn't make sense, the third is funny but not yours, the fourth is not funny and not yours, and the fifth is decent by comparison, but only because you're so painfully unfunny.

Anything else?

A thread dedicated to the peculiar brand of humour that anyone unfortunate enough to be named Nigel (as I am) develops as a survival mechanism? I haven't been this excited since i had the operation that allowed me to wear thongs!

I got sacked for smiling on the job recently. I said "if I can't smile on the job, you better find yourself another funeral director!"

I was driving my van recently when I was victim of a road rage incident. A woman ran into me, and in the ensuing argument, she snapped of my aerial and started hitting me with it. Wen my doctor later examined my wounds, he said it was the worst case of Van-aerial Disease he had ever seen!

:-)

Nigee, you seem to be getting a lot of attention, welcome or not. Well, any attention is better than none.
"Please post if you don't understand his jokes."
Nobody is going to reply to this as they won't wish to seem too obtuse to understand real humour.

Preprepared jokes are a pain. Those emanating from the moment, the situation, extemporaneously, are sublime.

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second would have ducked!

GF, just remember that they can ban you for spamming the forum.

Two ducks walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've manned up.

Nigee's jokes are banned as an interrogation technique under the Geneva Convention.
Please, God, make it stop. I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Amnesty International already has a file way thick about the misuse of the Nigee technique.
It's second only to the Ken Dodd technique, which could bring grown strapping men to their very knees in a minute or two, minus taxes. Hello, Kenneth ~)

I would like to capture Nigee and keep him in my closet and bring him out for moments of humor...

I came out of the closet years ago after that warm night on Hampstead Heath with George Michael

OMG You're a Bertie Woofter? And who was that other guy in Wham? Andrew something.

btw I think the recent PC ultra-sensibility is just a bunch of crap.
First you correct your politics and then I'll be thinking about changing my behaviour.

"OMG You're a Bertie Woofter? And who was that other guy in Wham? Andrew something."

Andrew Ridgeley. A few friend and I went to Halloween years ago as the "other guys" from famous music duos. Andrew Ridgeley, Art Garfunkel, Jim Messina... Tennille... it was awesome.

Every day I hear a different story, people sayin' that you're no good for me ....

Where does new PC things come from, is there a think tank somewhere dreaming up different words, phrases and ultra-sensitivities and then spreading them throughout the world. Who can we blame?

Polly Toynbee.

I thought the middle classes might be involved somewhere along the line although I don't read the Guardian for fear I will go rogue and start a killing spree, same reason I don't watch Jeremy Kyle

Nigee, what in gods name are you doing on WebDip at 6 in the morning....

I sleep from 11pm to 3am......then try not to wake everyone up until 7am :-)

I sleep from 3am till 11am whenever possible. (I've got a reasonable timetable.) We may not be so good for each other :~)

You say we may not be so good for each other but my full name is Nigee Fitztimur, if your name is Timur Fitznigee I think this could be the start of something special.

Here we go, far from me to let this bit of trolling by Goldilocks slip away, no lets keep it up there so Goldie Hawn can really have her say...... great thread by the way. I'll just check to make sure I'm +1'd you.

I'm s/be I've ...... bumpety bump bump

Goldie I'm not happy with the response you're getting to your fab thread so to save you having to work it more to try prove your point I'll bump it for you..
Any donations accepted guys, Goldies doing this for FREE, can we show him a little respect and support please.

Congrats Nigee, you have officially trolled your troll thread out of existence haha

To be fair Goldie it's not my thread it's yours and I want people to take you seriously when you bring them a quality thread, the last thing I want to see is people laughing at you :-)

Let's stick this through the mangle.....anything more we can squeeze out of this subject Goldie

I swear Nigee, you're gonna make me silence my own thread. hahaha I guess I deserve it

One day boy you'll reap what you sow, you'll catch a cold and you'll be on your own., and you will see that what's wrong with me, is wrong with everyone that you want to play your little games on

This joke is far better than anything else I've seen in this thread:

I guy goes to a party. He's not the 'social' kind of guy, but he really wanted to impress a girl. That being said, he did his best to dress up to the occasion (as suitable for a college party), and "borrowed" his dad's Ferrari to drive up to the house where the party is taking place. Inside, there's far too many people. Each room is barely navigable, but he manages to find his way to a clearing in the crowd. The guy running the party isn't quite the guy you'd expect to throw a party. He's OCD and a control freak, so he's doing everything he can to maintain order-primarily by keeping every single food and drink item separate from each other. Each item has a line; a line for wings, a line for chips, a line for soda...As the party progresses, the lines wax and wane, and our character finds a nice quiet couch where a couple is watching TV. It's set to an all day marathon of professional wrestling. He could care less about what's on, though. He's just looking for an excuse to fill time while he's at the party. After about an hour, someone breaks open the beer, and he doesn't hesitate to grab a few. Normally, he's careful with his alcohol consumption, but the girl still hasn't shown up. Another hour goes by, and he finally catches a glimpse of the girl heading towards the door. He quickly gets up and runs to her, only to see her leaving with one of her ex-boyfriends. In a half-drunken stupor, he cries out, "I was only trying to impress you!" She looked at him, smelled the alcohol on his breath, and replied, "Oh, the social irony!" She turned and left with her man, and he returned to the couch. The professional wrestling marathon continued, as did his alcohol consumption. Soon after, he realized that he would have to drive his dad's Ferrari home. He needed to sober up right away, so in his drunkenness, he decided that he should vomit up the beer as quickly as possible. He needed to find the bathroom, but the house was far too crowded to tell where anything was...So he ran to the back of each and every line, asking "is this the line to the bathroom?" Each time, he got a reply like, "no, this is the line to the karaoke machine," or "this is the line to the assorted vegetable tray." When finally, he came to the back of a line and repeated, "is this the line to the bathroom?" The man promptly responded, "No! This is the punch line!"

KA, if an iGuy went to a party, the punch line would turn him into nothing more than a dysfunctional electrical unit.

*tumbleweed*