You don't understand, Krellin. If you like your turkey, you can keep your turkey... unless your turkey doesn't meet certain minimum standards, in which case we'll kill your turkey. But that's okay, because we'll give you a chance to buy a newer, better turkey! Sure, it may cost more, it's only dark meat, you'll have to wait in line to get it, and there will only be two supermarkets in your state authorized to sell it, so they'll take a massive profit margin on your turkey, but once you try this turkey, we're sure you'll love it...

But wait, you haven't heard the best part! If you have a low income, we'll kill your turkey and give you FREE TURKEY! That's right, completely free! ... unless your state decides not to participate in the turkey expansion, in which case you'll have to use the online turkey exchange, which should be up and running by Pearl Harbor Day. Yes, we realize that's two weeks after Thanksgiving, but what do you want from a free Turkey?

Listen, we realize this turkey's not perfect, but don't you remember how bad last year's turkey was? Do you really want to go back to that? Trust us, this will be better turkey once we get the glitches ironed out.

... aw shit, am I turning Republican?