Ew.

OK this one is very British, and a little out of date but I still like it.
They say that in heaven all the police are English, all the women are French, all the cooks are Italian, and the Germans organize it all. In hell the police are French, the women are German, the cooks are English and the Italians organize everything.

Two guys walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.

A bus full of congressmen on their way to a vacation in a scenic rural locale gets into a terrible accident. The bus turns over and catches fire. The police and paramedics get to the scene several hours later and find an elderly farmer with a shovel in his hands at the side of the road next to the burned-out wreck, but there are no congressmen to be seen. They ask the farmer what happened to them.

"I buried 'em"

"You mean they were all dead? Every one of them?"

"well, some of 'em said they wasn't, but you know how politicians like to lie."

That reminds me of that Monty Python sketch, where the two women are talking:
Mrs Premise: Busy day?
Mrs Conclusion: Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat!
Mrs P: Four hours to bury a cat?
Mrs C: Yes, wouldn't keep still.

How can you tell if Frenchman has been near your house?



You can't really, unless you saw him, or a neighbor saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

What did the Frenchman say when he was accused of raping a dead woman? He said he didn't know she was dead, he thought she was English.

I don't see the need, most of the arguments in the "serious threads" are fucking jokes.

But OK:

Why did the medium cross the road? To get to the Other Side.

Excuse me--is this the right room for an argument? ;)

haha, best joke of the lot^

No it isn't.

Now, look here, it jolly well is.

Its hard to defend yourself when you are accused of being contrarian.

pedantophile - a lover of baby insects?

"God what are you? President of the pedantic society?"
"Vice-President actually."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the snake cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken!
(As told to me by my daughter, when she was 7.)

Why did George Bush cross the road?

Cause his dick was up the chicken's ass and he didn't have an exit strategy.

^
Your daughter's thinking up snakes stapled to chickens...!? XD

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

And my daughter's first attempt at a joke--when she was less than 2 years old. A perfect example of grasping the form, without the content.

"What did the hippopotamus say to the lemur?"
"I don't know what."
"Madagascar! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Why did George Bush cross the road?

Cause his dick was up the chicken's ass and he didn't have an exit strategy."
Probably the best one yet +1 abge

This one isn't acutally a joke, but it is funny, and also true! So yeah.
At one point the Irish police were looking for a Polish driver named Prawo Jazdy, who had been stopped all over the country for various driving offenses. What made the police worried was the sheer number of times Mr. Jazdy was stopped and the fact that on every license he had a different address and a different license number, so obviously he was using fake licenses and such to avoid getting in trouble. The manhunt ended when someone said "I think 'Prawo Jazdy' might be Polish for 'driving license'."

A middle-aged woman takes her young daughter to the wedding of a family friend. Seeing the bride in a magnificent wedding dress, the daughter asks in a low whisper: "Mummy, why is the girl always dressed in white?" The mother replies: "Because it's the best day of her life." The daughter pauses for a few seconds, and then asks: "So why is the boy dressed in black?"

The recession has hit everybody really hard... ..................

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learnt their childrens' names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally.... .......................................................................................................................

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got a call-centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

A young woman decides that she wants a child. She goes to the doctor, and says: "I want to give birth to the most beautiful baby in the world." The doctor gives her a red pill. She takes the pill, and the next day she gives birth to the most beautiful baby in the world - and the following night somebody steals her baby. She goes back to the doctor, explains her situation, and asks for another red pill. Once again, the next day, she gives birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. And once again, that night, her baby is stolen. The woman, at this point, is sick of having her children kidnapped due to their beauty. She returns to the doctor, and tells him that she wants to have the ugliest baby in the world. The doctor gives her another pill.What colour was it?

I don't know, ask your mother!

Porque é que uma galinha atravessa a rua?

Para esticar as pernas :D

How do you give a baby his bath when the water is too hot?

You wear gloves.

No, no, no... You put it in the freezer first.