There's one thing that Democrats and Republicans share in common: our money.

How do you circumcise a politician?
Kick his intern in the jaw...

A man sees a woman being attacked by a dog, grabs a stick and strikes the dog across the head, killing it. A Fox news reporter witnesses this and rushes over. "This'll make a great story! 'Brave New Yorker saves Woman from Attacking Dog'!" The man says, "but I'm not from New York." The reporter responds, "Ok then, 'Woman Saved from Dog Attack by Vigilant American'." The man says, "but I'm not American." "Oh," says the reporter, "where are you from?" "Iran," the man answers.

Headline the next day: "Muslim Extremist Kills Dog."

lol all of these are good, keep 'em coming

bump

This is a long one, but funny.

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was
tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official
around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says
the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.*

*They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is
having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as
more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we
ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Cathy Blanco, Bobby Jindal, and Edwin Edwards die in a plane crash. They ascend to heaven and approach the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter says...

"Hey, you three! You were governors of Louisiana, right? So you know how to do construction contracts and stuff? Well, look: the Pearly Gates have fallen into disrepair. I need one of you to draft me a contract to get them fixed."

Cathy Blanco steps forward. "I can have the gates fixed for three thousand dollars: one thousand parts, one thousand labor, one thousand profit."

Bobby Jindal steps forward next. "I can get it done for six thousand. Two thousand parts, two thousand labor, two thousand profit... but you'll get the best parts and labor money can buy, and you won't have to worry about those pearly gates again for another few centuries, at least."

St. Peter seemed pleased. Then Edwin Edwards stepped forward.

"I can do it for nine thousand."

St. Peter looked confused. "But I'm already getting the best parts and labor money can buy from Jindal for six thousand! What do I get for nine?"

"Easy," Edwards said. "Three thousand for you, three thousand for me, then we get Blanco to do it for three thousand."