Jesus was an assuage fucktard.

This is great, I'm glad to see a fellow sophomore standing up for Him. Unfortunately, this is somewhat poorly organized. I don't know how long this was supposed to be, but it seems rushed. Maybe you could put more elaboration into your sentences, without creating run-ons. You should also try to expand your level of diction, because you're saying the same words repeatedly which will just make you sound like you're being redundant (and don't just look in the thesaurus). A prime example is how you continuingly list something that you admire in Jesus, then follow by saying "I want to do this too, because..." you should also vary your sentence structure and order of word choices. And I don't know if your teacher specified this, but your quote, obviously in the bible, needs to be cited. A proffessional style of citation adds to the elaboration of the essay while taking away from it's casual feeling of basic level English. Try MLA or something similar.

By the time I post this, you'll probably have already recieved all of the advice you need. Nevertheless, I hope you get a good grade on this, primarily because most kids-myself included-get chewed out because they talk about Jesus.

"By the time I post this, you'll probably have already recieved all of the advice you need."

I guess not, oh well.

I'm trying to make these very short and to the point, please don't feel as though I'm being overly critical. I know you said that it's not supposed to be like an English major wrote it, but you can always make it better, so while I won't try to be overly picky, I will say everything I think can make it better. Also, while I don't think it influenced my critique, I'll admit outfront that I am an unashamed atheist, but I understand that's not what this is about, so I'll try not to make any mention of it.

"The person who influences me the most, as well as my decisions, is a man most simply known as Jesus."

I would restructure this "The person who influences me and my decisions the most". The way you have it is unnecessarily wordy.

"Whether or not you believe he was perfect, you still have to admit that his life was a great one."

One really shouldn't use "you" in writing. I'd restructure this to the effect of, "While he may be a polarizing figure for some, he was undeniably a moral and spiritual leader in his time." This restructuring also helps avoid confusion over what I feel is an undefined definition of great.

"His teachings still influence millions of people today. He always showed love and compassion for every person he met. He always put God ahead of everything else, which is something I strive to do every day. He was also a very courageous man. He faced persecution and death, but still continued to do what was right. He was a great man, and his actions and teachings are what I try to emulate every day of my life."

Your sentence structure here is very repetitive. Try combining some of the sentences and using transition words between them: "Moreover, he was a very courageous man, facing persecution and death, yet still continuing to do what is right."

The transition to the second paragraph again is pretty brusque. Try some transition words. They're helpful. Paragraphs and sentences that don't flow well are really a pet peeve of mine. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say by this, please tell me and I'll try to elaborate.

"He showed love and compassion to the world, and some people showed it back, while others didn’t." I would move the while so that it reads "and while some people showed..." Doing that helps indicate the logical jump between his actions and other people's actions. Moreover, I'd add something along the lines of "Despite this, Jesus's love was universal". On it's own, the fact that other people were mean to Jesus doesn't really support why Jesus was a nice guy without it.

"I sincerely wish that the rest of the world would try to act like Jesus as well, because then I believe the world would be a truly better place." A few things: I would remove the word sincerely. It sounds a bit trite. Wish is OK, but if you could find another word, I would try to. I'd also try to offer support as to why you think the world would be a better place if everyone acted like Jesus. It doesn't have to be a paragraph, or really anything more than a clause, but I think it needs to be there. Lastly, while it can be acceptable in a personal essay like this, you really shouldn't use "I believe", "I think", or anything to that effect. As the author of the essay, it's assumed that what you're saying is what you believe. That being said, it's difficult to write an essay about a mentor, especially a spiritual one, without saying "I believe", so it's rather acceptable in this context. I wouldn't use it unless you absolutely had to though.

"That is something that I try to do" You've used this phrase a lot, I'd try to at least rephrase it, or remove it entirely and restructure this. Other than that, it's very difficult for me, as an athiest, to critique this section.

"Jesus exemplifies courage". Add transitions; "Lastly, Jesus exemplifies courage."

"I believe that he died for our sins, but whether on not you believe that, he did die for something, and it took a lot of courage for Jesus to willingly be killed, when he could have stopped teaching a quite a while earlier to avoid it." Ironically, while you broke two of the rules I previously mentioned ("I believe" and "you") I thought this was a great sentence. But it can be better! I would change it to "I believe that he died for our sins, but even if you don't, he did die for something. It took a lot of courage for Jesus to willingly be killed, when he could have easily and legally avoided the sentence. Jesus was willing to die for his beliefs, which is something that I tremendously admire. (Assuming you do, actually, admire that.)"

The last paragraph: Same comments I've had before. Combine sentences to vary sentence structure, avoid repeating yourself, try to avoid "I believe" "I wish" etc. if you can. But it was a pretty good conclusion, things I have already mentioned aside.

Everything King Atom said +1, especially the citing the Bible. I should have noticed that and missed it. Good call.

Also, I meant to put this in my OP, but congrats on having the guts to put this out there and solicit feedback. It's really something that I should try to do more - I'm really bad at putting my work out there to be judged, even by strangers on the internet that I don't know, will never know, and (sorry) don't really care about. So well done. It shows quite a lot of maturity, especially for someone in high school.

Thank you for your help, Smiley and KA. Here is my next draft:

The person who influences me and my decisions the most is a man most simply known as Jesus. Not everyone agrees on whether he was perfect, but his life was most definitely a great one. He was a spiritual leader of his time, and his teachings still influence millions of people today. There are many things I admire about Jesus. He always put God ahead of everything else, which is something I strive to do every day. He always showed love and compassion for every person he met, as well as God. Lastly, he was a very courageous man. He faced persecution and death, yet still continued to do what was right. He was a great man, and his actions and teachings are what I try to emulate every day of my life.
First and foremost, Jesus always put God ahead of everything else. I believe that Jesus is God, so what I mean is that he put God the Father ahead of everything else. That is something that I try to do, because that is something God wants me to do. Jesus himself said that the most important commandment is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Jesus was a great, and I believe perfect, example of that. He didn’t do selfish things that put him first. He loved God (the Father) first, and loved others as himself.
Moreover, Jesus was always a nice person to everyone he met. Even when he was criticizing someone, he was never rude about it. When someone asked him for help, he helped them. He showed love and compassion to the world, and while some people showed it back, others didn’t. When I interact with people, I try to act like Jesus did. I’m not always successful, but no human can be all the time. It would be amazing if the rest of the world would try to act like Jesus as well, because the world would be a truly better place for it. Imagine if everyone loved each other and lived in peace and harmony. I’m sure that’s how Jesus would like it.
Finally, Jesus exemplifies courage. He faced persecution wherever he went, but he overcame it and still continued to teach. Eventually, he was persecuted to the point of being executed. I believe that he died for our sins, but even if you don't, he did die for something. It took a lot of courage for Jesus to willingly be killed, when he could have easily avoided the sentence, by saying that he was not the Son of God. Jesus was willing to die for his beliefs, which is something that I infinitely love about him, and I would do the same if it came down to it. I greatly admire the courage that Jesus displayed throughout his life, and I hope to be able to emulate it at some point in my life.
Jesus has been a great role model for me in my life. I want to mirror his kindness towards others, and I have always tried to put God first like he does. I hope to someday display the courage that Jesus showed his whole life. I believe that having Jesus as a role model and a mentor has made me a better person, and if the rest of the world would try to follow his example as well, the world would be a much nicer place.

You should say that the most important influence on your life is the biblical record of the life and teachings of Jesus because that is what you talk about in your essay.

You "still have" to admit- change to you "must" admit
What is your fixation with the word "still?"
Just simply say his teachings influence.
Did he show love for the money changers in the Temple?
"Continued to do what was right" is a value laden phrase. "Stayed true to his principles" is more effective.

You need to rewrite another draft after careful editing.

"avoided the sentence, by saying that he was not the Son of God"

That comma is unnecessary. Other than that, tremendously improved, well done.

I had a feeling that comma was unecessary. And thank you for your help. Now I'm done with all my summer assignments, with 2 days to spare :)

Wow, I have another week of summer and nine assignments still incomplete...

I'm shocked. No doubt you've never completed any reading on the Great Depression.

The last time I critiqued something, it blew up in my face.

So I think I'll pass.