No idea what that means. Disregard....

Woah, spoiler alert

What spoiler? Curious....tell me what you know?

I can be more specific, if you wish.

"which will play a major part of the end-game in this story"

It was a joke. I'm reading it now.

Timur -- I'm looking for brutal honesty from my verbose forum foes. Yeah...tell me exactly what you hate.

Is it about a man who can't own up to losing a bet?

bump

No 2wl -- nor is it about a bitch like you that doesn't know how to secure a bet. You failed to meet the terms of the bet, bitch. So fuck off. If you want to be a man of integrity....doubtful...then read and review. Otherwise...you are just a bitch, no better than a 2-bit hooker on a corner. Annnnnd....ignore...

I didn't make the bet, bitch. I'll read the story after I make dinner, bitch. Bitch you don't know me.

http://i.imgur.com/vaXZSre.gif

I glanced at it. The writing is better than I expected. I'll let you know what I really think if I get around to reading the whole thing.

2wl...don't know you...don't give a shit about you..and will most likely disregard yoru comments since you apparently have no desire to give honest review.

I'm putting myself out there for 1. the amusement of my fellow web-dippers, in hopes that I may contribute for them, and 2. becuase I seek honest feedback from men of integrity. Abge is such a one that can disagree with my on various topics, but whom will be a man of integrity from topic to topic. If *you* want to be a bitch...it will be obvious.

Go eat your dinner bitch. go away.

"but whom will be a man of integrity from topic to topic"

What's that, krellin? I thought I had no integrity? : )

We've got no integrity, but we sure do look good.

abge -- you can either prove me wrong, or prove me right....or just be honest.

I'm not looking for political opinion. But be a bitch if you want to be...I can decipher the difference and discount your input as needed. You aren't that powerful or persuasive...I just hoped that you, amongst the lot, would have integrity. You apparently prove yourself to be no better than those that your pretend to judge. No big surprise.

Losing respect for abge second by second....

YJ - do your worst, buddy.

Read it and like it. The transitions between scenes are kinda jarring, though, especially since there is no setting data in most of them and the reader has to fill it all in themselves. I don't read much (any) fiction, but I am interesting in seeing where this goes.

Overall, I liked it, although it's hard to say without an ending.

The pacing was odd. The beginning felt like a short story, but it seems like it will be more of a novella.

I don't like some of the dialogue, especially Donovan. It's much too rigid and technical. I'll give examples later.

You use too much odd punctuation avoid ellipses and "?!?!?!". Use words to describe how they're taking instead.

The birth scene is too short to be it's own section. It should just be added to the next section.

The beginning is over-the-top anti-government. Tone it down; the reader will get it as the story progresses. "Government Man" sounds juvenile.

How do the parents not know about mandatory chipping? It would have been all over the news. It makes no sense.

Why is disease screening down after birth and not before?

I like how books are "real-books" and ebooks are "books".

"I guess my fears were a little unfounded after all" That's how robots talk. Is Donovan a robot?

I don't like the word "upgrade". Companies wouldn't market "upgrades". They'd market something that sounds cool. Like iCy or something. Same for the different modules.

"Why doesn't she acknowledge us" This is not how mothers witnessing their child have a seizure talk.

Why are medical scans not transmitted wirelessly? Why do they only find out about the girls extensive trauma after a scan? That makes no sense.

I don't like how the sections get progressively longer. It ruins the "feel" of the story.

Skimmed the beginning, krellin -- I'll read it later and post. (I'm saying this so you can mock me mercilessly if I don't get around to it).

Oh, and the way the parents talk about the upgrades is way too technical and formal. That's how 2 engineers would talk about upgrading a computer, not how average parents would talk about their kids.

abge - great feedback. I will take it all in to account and make necessary changes. Love it. Much thanks, and i agree with everything you say. I might have to hire you some day!

My feedback now is a wife and a 13 and 14 year old daughter...lol I love them, and they tell me what they think...but it is hardly "critical". lol

Two daughters, 13 and 14 years old, will give you the harshest criticism you will ever receive, apart from that of your wife. Feel blessed.
Get back on topic later.

It says the file has been moved...?

That is true, Obi
I have a download if anyone is desperate.

I would like to read krellin's writing

I can reactivate a link later if it is desired.

Such a great piece. I loved it. Keep writing. Keep posting

#tcot

I also have a copy if anyone wants to see it.

Krellin,

I've read through your writing and in doing so I kept an open mind regardless of our previous engagements, so I hope you will do so in reading my criticism.

I understand what vibe you're going for, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with your story idea or the delivery so far.

However, as a writing your story is very one-dimensional at the moment. Everyone who the reader can identify with in your story is anti-Government, for obvious reasons. What you neglect to mention is why did people allow this Government to be in charge? Don't say they were forced or brainwashed. Seriously, all governments exist only because people are willing to, at the least, tolerate them.

Your Government-Man has a wife and kids too, I assume. He's not an evil guy. You run the risk of making your Government, and antagonists, mindless clones, or stormtroopers. If you read the best writers, such as Tolstoy, you find in fact there are no 'good' or 'evil' characters. There are very complex persons with reasonable desires and therein lies a bit of the tragedy of life. In the modern world, people are dying left right and center, we have wars and injustices at home and abroad. THAT isn't the story however. The story is how we all voluntarily caused the modern world to happen through our humanity alone.

That said, I do hope you will consider the wider implications of the technology you're proposing, and deliver credible and real arguments on both sides within your story, or it will never be taken seriously. Why did people allow their lives to be monitored and chipped in your story? Protection? Health benefits? Are there protesters fighting on the streets? Or is Donovan, like yourself, a disenfranchised person who argues against an insane world that continues working harmoniously despite his convictions?

"a disenfranchised person who argues against an insane world that continues working harmoniously despite his convictions"

Truer words were never spoken.

Read your story, Krellin, and am reasonably impressed. Also read the previous comments. Those of Abgemacht and Synapse seem very pertinent. May refer to them as I add my tuppenceworth. Hope not to offend. It’s a good start.

Personally found it difficult to get into, because the opening sections come over as quite juvenile writing stylistically, reminding me very much of SF short stories of the 50’s, or a story from ‘the ‘Astounding Stories’ comics, or an episode of the original ‘Twilight Zone’. However, as I persevered, I found that this could prove quite a clever stylistic device. In such stories, the characters tended to be one-dimensional, the dialogue stilted and predictable, setting off-the-shelf, backstory, if any, merely sketched in, and the plot simplistic, usually with the intention of making a final (usually heavy-handed) moral point which reflected on the society of the time. Still, why *not* go retro? Your story made me nostalgic for my childhood SF obsession. Could have the same effect on others of my generation.

Other points have been made already, so I’ll move to your proposed continuation.
The story began to pick up right at the very end when the two college girls installed the boyfriend’s indie app. Why were they ‘giggling almost uncontrollably’? Obviously, they know what this app can do and may not be such ‘Kind Girls’ as Cynthia thinks. It may be totally inappropriate for young girls to experience. You mention ‘pleasure, manipulation, addiction, malevolent ai’. Now we’re going somewhere interesting. That could then drive the story forward without need for a further medical intervention. Think one is enough, or we’re going to spend all our time in ER.

Just some thoughts. Disregard at will.

Another thought: Maybe you could start it as 50's retro SF and, as the story/novella/novel progresses, move it up through the changes to William Gibson-esque and beyond. This would involve changing the depth of the characters, settings, dialogue, etc. as you go along. Seems interesting to me, but I'm not a writer. Whatever you do in life, keep writing.

One minor niggle: Wags is in the initial chapter, to introduce the chip technology, but vanishes from there on in. Later, Cynthia asks for a 'real' dog and is told by her father that they are not allowed in the apartment complex. (Logical inconsistency?)
Think Wags should have a bigger role to play, thematically. (He gets a bunch of nanobots? Whooh.)

Krellin, if you wish no further thoughts on your project, please tell me.

Timur -- I gladly accept all comments, and am taking them in to consideration. Regarding Wags - might just scrap that first section entirely - still thinking, but if it stays must deal with the disappearance...which perhaps can be added right in to the next vignette which it was commented on was too short.

As for starting in 50's retro SF, not sure how I could start in the 50's, simply due to availability of tech, as clearly this story is someplace in the future, and most likely significantly farther in to the future than dreamers would imagine.


TO others who have commented, I have not reviewed all of the comments yet, but am going to print them off now and read them. I appreciate all comments, good, bad or indifferent. Thanks to all.

Wags is cool, just not allowed by the G-Men, so how could he be? Make that a thread and it could be useful and add a little depth. Maybe Donovan is not quite as robotic as he sounds.

I was saying the *style* could evolve throughout the narrative. 50's SF dealt with futuristic scenarios. The SF authors were thinking this stuff way back then. Now you're here with a further vision of the future, based on present evidence. You could take the reader on a journey to past, present, future and far future. Seeing it from the point of view of the people at their particular point in time.

Maybe I should PM. Let me know.