Dear krellin,

I am at home right now, but I go to school just north of Chicago. My girlfriend loves me to death and I love her right back, but her father has bad feelings toward me even though he doesn't really know me. While family matters such as these are none of my business, I am extremely concerned how this will affect my future. Please allow me to explain in brief:

Her family's house burned last summer, and they are currently rebuilding. The house is huge - easily triple the size of my house in Indianapolis, which I have always considered a large house as well. She took me to see the house, now almost fully built, and it is gorgeous, sitting just a few blocks from the shores of Lake Michigan and across the road from the heir of the Wrigley fortune. I asked her how much the house cost, and she told me that it was something around $2.5 million, but that it wasn't really a concern because "we paid the interest up front."

It occurred to me then that my girlfriend's family is incredibly wealthy, and I want a chunk. I am pretty convinced that she and I might have a future, though it's far too early to tell, but either way, I would like to ask you, oh wise one - how, this holiday season, can I ensure that I am part of her family's inheritance despite her father's feelings toward me?

@bo

Put a bun in that oven.

Thank you for your useful piece of advice, but I am specifically concerned with krellin's thoughts on the matter.

Say no to the other dude, but her girlfriends are welcome.

Dearest Abge,

As many know, I am a lover of animals, and frequently bring poor homeless shelter cats into my home. Problem is, they are filthy little creatures, and keeping them contained so as to not...uh....relieve themselves behind the sofa can be quite a problem at times.

What you have here is a perfect cat house. The strong order to turkey fat will surely keep the little buggers contained in a small area (especially if you post a nippy little dog outside said machine to discourage them from leaving their new home). Now, as I am aware that you are possessing of some technical knowledge, I would recommend that you do some slight modifications to this dryer....kick up the blower motor, and turn up the heat baby...

Those little shit-monsters are going to live in that beast, and no doubt do their business there....Once a day, you'll grab the butterfly net and scoop 'em out into a cardboard box and turn that puppy onto full blast....bake that cat shit into a toasty crisp and blow it out the house vent!!! With enough luck, your fan will blow it right across into the neighbors lawn - if not, a little external mod's will complete this last bit of the trick.

That'll teach that ass-of-a-neighbor to throw fabulous soirees and not invite you and the little miss...

Goodman Bo,

As we all know, having perused the internet in the late night by ourselves, your girlfriends father has a bit of a....uhhh....shall we say, "fetish".

Off to Victoria's Secret with you, Boy! You come to Turkey Day in a silky black teddy and you give that man a wink just as he takes the family knife to that juicy bird and you are IN....LIKE....FLINT....

I'll bite:

King of Sages Krellin,
Every year for Thanksgiving we have the usual food covered in tryptophan and I find myself stuffed and wanting to nap prior to Thanksgiving day football.

A recent article I read stated that other amino acids in foods counteract the tryptophan and it's apparently NOT the turkey that causes me to lull to sleep missing out on great football action. In fact, the article said that sea lion bladder has far more tryptophan than turkey.

To further the matter, the sleepiness is likely to do with overeating and stress.

My problem is this: I want to eat like a pig because it's free and we don't get the leftovers. I also want to stay awake for football, so how do I handle this situation? I was going to swap turkey out for sea lion bladder, but now that's out of the realm of possibility.

Tru Ninja,

Fear not! Sea Lion bladder indeed....BAH! There is a meat fresh at hand that is well suited for your needs. We seek a meat that is resistant to random sleep, and for which care-free is the word of the day. A meat that is tender for lack of use. A meat that is endlessly marinated, soft and....oh, I can barely contain myself!

I hate to just give it away, so obvious is the answer...but you seek advice, and so I give.

Think man...think on this holiday of those most in need....those who's hands, no matter the hour of the day, are constantly alert, constantly thrust forth seeking your hard-earned dime. Those who give nothing in return but a bit of stink and a vile grimace if you pass them by.

Yes...yes...you are probably already catching on to my drift....it is the local homeless about whom I speak. A tireless bunch, seemingly unaffected by stress, a sleepless bunch willing to bother you no matter the time of day....and possessing of a meat which will empower you with their very own sleeplessness - a sleeplessness that will surely keep you awake for endless nights.

"Dear Mother! I have but a tasty new sausage for the stuffing..." you will say, presenting a ripe, plump sausage that, bonus to you, is stuffed within the very intestines of the one from whom this surprisingly tasty delicacy came. (I recommend at least an hour's soak in milk before use....trust me on this...)

A service to you - consuming the powerful flesh of the sleepless...and, of course, a service to the world. And yes, those canned goods you "donated" to the local shelter you can now return to the store for cost!! Win, win, win for you!

Dear krellin,

I think I have leprosy, please advise.

Dear GOD YJ....and after we snuggled last night?!?!!?!?!?

....or shall I say "spooned"?

dear krellin,

i can't get up in the morning. i usually turn off my alarm and then sleep on for an hour or so. any tips for me? how do you get up in the morning?

Can't get up in the morning? Probably want to see a urologist. Most of us guys don't even have to try....it's just....*happens*.

Have you tried hand lotion?

Dear krellin. I fear that I may not be a true American, as my vegetarian family regularly refrains from partaking in the holy sin of turkey flesh on Thanksgiving day.

My question to you is this: which manner of ritualistic suicide is most appropriate for my predicament?

Ghug....first of all...whatever shred of respect I have for you has just shriveled away...good lord....

My "vegetarian family"? Like you are some sort of modern-day slave, relegated to honoring the ridiculous rituals of your demented family? Well fuck, man, may I suggest you wander out into the streets and put shackles upon the next black man you see, for I'm sure your honored family at one time enjoyed a good slave-whipping when the cotton wasn't picked fast enough, too!

Bahh....there is no hopes for the likes of you.

Suicide is far to tender a mercy for the likes of you.

There are two-bit crack whores on their knees at this very moment with more honor than you.

Clearly you crave the feathered beast. Partake or be damned to eternal shame.

Dear krellin-

The other day while I was having sex with my girlfriend on my vintage diplomacy board (as we all do), I noticed that her ass is so big it covers 35 supply centers. What should I do?

uclabb....good lord....FLASHBACK!!!!

Ugh....a dark and dreary dorm room...reeking ofunwashed clothes and split bong water. "Risk" was the game of the day...a game that is but a shadow of the greatness that is Diplomacy, but accessible to the common shlub...

My roommate owned the board, bless his heart....yet every time we took it out and handed out the boxes of pieces....we opened up the board....and there...centered upon the board...were always a few dark, curly pubes....

<shudders>

I....I have to take a moment. For, as it turns out, my tale is true, and I am experiencing a moment of distress....

Oh, krellin, you misunderstand. I am as happily vegetarian as my wonderful family. I have no desire to consume the foul (or fowl, as it were) monstrosity that is the flesh of a wildly mistreated and inhumanely murdered animal tomorrow or on any other day. We will have a feast tomorrow, and I daresay we'll enjoy it more than the turkey you and your wife will allow to burn while you peel your once mint-condition diplomacy board off of her oversized buttocks. I merely thought you should be aware of my thorough unamericanness.

Oh wise krelly cakes, what do I do?!

The other night while taking a shit, I asked myself what it would be like to be a poo poo bug. I grabbed it as it was coming out of my ass and rolled a hefty ball. I noticed quite a bit of gum, corn chunks and shredded pieces of my mistress' panties.

How do I kick the habit?!

Stop eating your mistresses.

Dearest Krellin,

As we all know, many players have less time for diplomacy during the holiday season (while some have more). How can I best take advantage of this change and therefore win all my games?

ghug -- you are happy as a vegetarian? lol NO you aren't. NOBODY but NOBODY believes that. I believe that you have been brainwashed into thinking such utter and complete nonsense - but your canine teeth betray your lust for flesh...the rarer and bloodier the better. Just like any perverse religion, your fear of offending your ridiculous hippy parents drives your actions.

Clearly you are beyond help. If it's health you pretend to seek, leave that radiation machine you sit in front of as you type, which drains the very life blood from the planet by consuming carbon emissions. If it's saving the poor beasts you pretend to be doing, then I beg you to actually study how many lives are killed when the fields are tilled in the extremely inefficient task of growing your pathetic batches of lettuce.

You disgust me.

Sandy....kick the habit? ARE YOU MAD my good man? You've achieved Nirvana itself, my poo-laden fellow.

You fellow man bows to your transcendence.

A Tin Can,

Scan the forums, seek the highly religious and join their games....for in their feigned worship of their god and family, they will neglect their true friends and family right here, and surely CD and such what....

Take advantage of their pathetic good family tidings and kill them all with relish.

"Request for pause" BAH! Fuck 'em.

@ghug - by the way, my dear wife who's oversized buttocks you so gleefully mocked....she died in a car accident. You have no shame.

I can't tell whether your serious ^^^
Anyhow, what is this Thanksgiving that Americans celebrate? What do they do in it? Is it as good as Christmas?

Fluminator <head smack> Isit as good as Christmas? Hell no...but a damned good close second.

The Holy Day of Thanksgiving is the day for which slovenly Americans come to work in a pre-feast psychosomatic stupor, and spend 3...most likely 2....days "at work" doing nothing but talking about what they will do later in the week....which for the most part includes:
1. Consuming vast quanitities of someone else's expensive food
2. Spilling drinks
3. Arguing with annoying-as-fuck relatives you only force yourself to endure on two...maybe three...days of the year
4. Consume more expensive food (desert)
5. Sprawl all over the hosts furniture, while they slave away at cleaning up the massive amount of dishes the herd of "family" has dirtied while watching NFL football -- regardless of whether you have a horse in the race -- which promotes more shouting, yelling and consuming of random food.
6. Placing your gift demands for Christmas.

It's a damned good day - at close to pure hedonistic, selfish indulgence one can get....APART FROM....doing EXACTLY the same thing while ALSO opening the gifts your have received after demanding them on Thanksgiving, while offering up a fruit cake in return, which you bought for $2.99 on sale at CVS on the way to said feast.

Christmas trumps Thanksgiving....but without the practice chaos of Thanksgiving, we'd never make it through Christmas. They are inseparable for any true human.

"by the way, my dear wife who's oversized buttocks you so gleefully mocked....she died in a car accident. You have no shame."

That's awful. Was she rear ended?

Dear Sage Krellin,

I think I just fell in love with roughly 10 classmates. I know that high school romances are usually not that likely to last, but these girls really seem like the ones to me. So how do I choose, or can I choose them all somehow?
Please help me!

steephie....sigh....again?

Steephie, steephie, steephie.


By all accounts, you're a sweet kid. Too sweet, some might say....really. You try hard, put on a good show. A little too hard...a little too good a show.

10 girls...

10.

Now, we've all been to high school, and even that stud-muffin quarterback with the flock of cheerleaders only had 5 or 6 on his elbow. Never would have even claimed ten.

So along comes Steephie...who, forgive me....you're an uber-geek. There's no way in hell that 10 girls are interested in you and...let's be blunt, Diplo-geek...there's no way in hell you've ever made eye contact with ten chicks.

So let's just clear the air....we're calling you out.

Yeah. Out....as in, "Out of the...."

of the.....????

Come on, boy, finish it for me. Free yourself from the bondage. You compensated and compensated and now you have over-compensated to a ridiculos extreme and in so doing have negated your own efforts by the obvious nature of the overcompensated nature of your compensationnesss...

So come out, come out wherever you are, Steephie my boy. We're all friends here. <wink>....

Conservative Steephie strikes again.

@krellin, I've been brainwashed so thoroughly that the thought of eating meat disgusts me. It doesn't really affect me on a day-to-day basis, so I see no reason to spend a bunch of time doing something I will dislike (at least initially) just to get over that.

Dear Krellin,

I have been unsure for a while now but it's becoming ever clearer. Mrs Octavious has turned to evil. She has recently taken to making sandwiches with insufficient filling, put an empty After Eight chocolate wrapper back in the box so that it looked like a full one, and gave some change to a street performer that included at least two foreign coins. That is how evil she is!

What am I to do? I used to be evil, but I'm good now, and I don't think we're compatible. Only yesterday I drove through a puddle to soak a small child by the road side but didn't find it remotely funny. That is how good I am.

What am I to do?

Dear krellin,

Yesterday exactly at noon I had a profound and deeply religious experience. Jesus Christ himself appeared to me. He was wearing nothing but crotchless leather pants and he was at the losing end of a game of checkers against Lucifer. The latter appeared in the shape of Ronald Reagan, but with horns, hooves and a nasty tail. There was also a woman present, whom Jesus introduced to me as the whore of Babylon. She vaguely resembled Emma Watson and was doing all sorts of nasty things to Jesus.

After exchanging a few niceties Jesus quickly came to the point and told me why he had appeared to me. It turned out that his real birthday is in September and that it annoys him immensely that people keep celebrating it in December during what is really the pagan festival Saturnalia, celebrating the birth of the sun.

My question to you, krellin, is this: how am I to still enjoy Christmas in good conscience knowing what Jesus Christ himself revealed to me?

Dearest Octavious,

Even as began reading the first few words of your missive, I began to crack...up. My thoughts instantly turned to the very most prophetic writing and insightful work of writing that has ever blessed the minds of mankind; a book that peered into the future and predicted the vileness of mankind; a book that declared what was to be, before it became; a book that exposes the lies of man's heart and the twisting of his words.

Of course, I've given away too much already, and thus you are already aware of what I speak, for George Orwell's "1984" is the only book that can explain your doublespeak-filled nonsense. Next thing you'll tell me is the rioter's in Ferguson are "servicing the police" as they burn their cars to the ground. Yes....I know you and your black heart.

So you didn't find soaking the small child "remotely" funny, huh? BAH! We see the wickedness of your ways...of course it wasn't "remote" as the poor child was right by your side, proximate to your guffaws and snickering. Yes...indeed.

Empty wrapper in the box? The one that you picked from the garbage? For we are all aware of your predilections!

But let's jump right to the heart of the matter: Are not all women evil? Vile prostitutes who's very existence as "wife" is predicated upon the exchange of goods for increasingly more mundane and "quick" services? Does she not cross her arms with a frown and turn her back to you when you stand naked and erect after a shower, because you failed, again, to provide some trinket her vile eye desired?

Begone with you, for you have made the devil's exchange in trading freedom for the bondage of this siren. Lo, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you have brought your own umbrella. Yes, though she leads you to still water, you trample them with dung-laden feet, hand-in-hand mocking the snowy owl that festers and gibbers upon the desolate plains. Reek ye not of the stench? For giddiness delights the strung out monkey, and all is festooned in blather.

Think of this...

Dearest Oscar -- It is so odd that immediately after Octavious' obviously religious trauma, you yourself have revealed an experience with Deity.

What concerns me is that while you describe your Christ-figure as revealing himself to you in crotchless leather pants, I'm rather stupefied that you failed to mention His push-up bra and thong, for we know that no self-respecting God would leave an outfit incomplete, not that you would fail to add these accompanying details.

Therefore, it is clear that your experience, while perceived as another run-of-the mill religious exposure, was...I'm afraid to say...not.

We have it on good knowledge that you have recently eat some fruit, have you not? And by fruit, I am not referring to Thucy directly...but rather to his pickings and leavings. And orange, yes? A graciously picked juicy ball delivered to you in his sack?

Yes....yes....it is all clear, is it not? For is not our dear Thucy a wily one? Quite skilled with the manipulation of the Word iteself?

There was no doubt a tingling on the tongue...and I don't mean that special sensation you experienced right-after "Leather Chaps Jesus" gave you his "blessing"....

I'm referring to that just-not-quite-right taste of that proffered orange from a humble passer-by...the one with the glint in his eye, and the unexpected complement regarding your coif.

To jump straight to the point, far from a religious experience, though I don't doubt you think you saw heaven....my dear boy, you have been molested by the best of us, the conniving guilt-ridden white "horse", as we call him, seeking vengeance upon his fellow oppressor.

In short, having had nothing less than a drug-induced homo-erotic experience with one of WebDip's beloved, you are free to enjoy the celebration of out zombie-God's fake birthday with all due greed and relish.

Merry Fucking Holidays.

+1 only for "merry fucking holidays"

Dearest Krellin,
Unlike most mornings, when I woke up today I was in Detroit.
How do I escape?

Vashta - 30 Miles north, Casa d'Krellin. I will treat you with fur-coated mittens, my good man...

Also, I think I became Canadian. Not sure what that's all aboot.

No helping that...it's like falling into the 7th Circle of Hell. Embrace your succubus.

Happy Turkey Day....yes, I was referring directly to all of you...