I'd be interested in reading statistics on divorce rates and seeing how many divorced couples had good relations between the in-laws. My guess is very few. If nothing else, having close ties with in-laws means they won't sandbag you if you ever have a spat with your spouse. Chances are, they will tell your spouse to compromise and work it out.

In all seriousness, marriage has a lot in common with Diplomacy. If your strongest ally stabs you, it's helpful to have friendly faces elsewhere.

So, do you predict your marriage will be like Austria-Italy? Or more like Turkey-Russia?

@Putin33 (re: Diplomacy country pairings) That's a hard question. Is that Austria-Italy in the sense of an early stab, or more like a Key Lepanto? And R/T as a Juggernaut... or nau(gh)t?

It's a really intriguing question.

I've been married for over five years. And one thing is certain. No matter how well you two get along or how much you love each other, marriage is WORK. Don't ever forget that or you will be doomed to being a statistic.

Also, communication is absolutely key to a successful marriage. Even if you think you are being as clear as possible, the differences between men and women that comedians like to use as fodder will guarantee that there will be he said/she said fights. I would also recommend that you two sit down and talk about your future together. Get yourselves on the same page NOW. From how many kids you want to how you plan on retiring, leave no stone unturned with each of your expectations and then plan accordingly. You will thank me later. :)

And when you fight, be respectful. You may want to start analyzing your "fighting" style and see how it compares to your significant other. It is very important that you two resolves issues in a way that you both can relate. Conflict resolution is the glue that will keep you together. Cuz, let's face it, marriage is not all fun and games. It will try you like nothing ever has. A good marriage, however, will be one of the most rewarding things you'll ever take part in.

As for the wedding...whatever plans you have are probably over blown. In the grand scheme of things, it's just another day. Enjoy it. You will remember it always, but it really won't have any impact for the future.

To specify - I was thinking more along the lines of Austria/Italy is full of early mutual suspicion, but can be potentially very rewarding. Turkey/Russia tends to breed early overconfidence (especially when joining forces to conquer Austria) and can lead to letting your guard down. (at least for me).

So I guess it's a question of: do you go into thinking your fiance is without flaw, that you are 100% certain this thing will last forever, and do you act all affectionate in public, etc?

Or are you more cautious, even to the point of paranoid, yet to be fully convinced that your fiance is fully committed, and believe you have to work hard to make sure that problems do not occur?

They're both extremes, not saying one is better than the other.

I was just teasing him actually. I wasn't looking to start a debate, I was hoping to head one off. I suppose internet forum discussions don't work like real life where teasing someone a little as a joke will diffuse a situation.

oh...and one more thing...

the woman is almost always right. The sooner you learn this, the better off you will be. Trust me. ;)

congrats. i am at present jealous of you having just been broken up with lol.

but that doesn't mean i can't appreciate how nice you must feel. make sure she agrees to tell you if something is going wrong and not sweep it under the rug.

lol.

Marriage is the perfect way to ruin a good thing.

I know it's clever to be young and flip, but marriage is one of the nicest thing that can happen to two people especially if they remember that more than money or sex or anything else, it's friendship that keeps it working. My parents were married in 1942 and stayed married until my father died may 3, 2010 two days after thier 61st anniversary. In all that time, they spend fewer than 5 nights apart and, to the end, he called her his bride. I've not been as lucky, few people are, but thought you'd like to know it can be the best thing that happens. Take it from a really old dip player.

I am so old, i cant' subtract. 2010-1942 is 68. An even longer time.

@thatwasawkward: that seems like a sweeping statement. I have been married for over twenty five years, and it has all been very good to me. Kat, may you have it even better.

Normally I'm quite unpleasant on these forums...but I will put away my usual belligerent self for the time being. I can't possibly imagine how my life could be better without my wife in it. She is my best friend, and she is my lover. I married a girl that shares interests with me: she's a gamer and we keep a rig (computer) updated for her needs (We rejoined the Cataclysm and are loving it, btw...) She knows that I like WebDip and doesn't complain...and though I'm not as fond of gardening as she is, I plant my plants and pull a few weeds to make her happy. She comes to my softball games, we both attend all the sporting events of our kids....whom are the absolute joy of my life and whom I would not have without her...and...

We share ideas about books to read. We watch stupid TV shows together...and take walks in the woods. Though our passion today is not equal to that of our youth, it is still there...and yet though not expressed as often, our passion is refined and skilled - a true knowledge of one another's needs.

My friend, marriage is the greatest thing a man can enjoy...if it is a partnership, a union, a give-and-take. You WILL give up things that you like if you do it right...and in exchange, you will receive a woman that will forever be an integral part of you. The only person who will love you unconditionally for all your faults.

God bless you, man, and best of luck to you and she.

Congratulations :)

---
"Congrats! (I think) Does she know you're a diplomacy player?" - haha, been working those persuasive skills have we?
"I wouldn't take advice about marriage or relationships from people who think women are exotic animals from outer space. " - No, but if you can find said person I'd love to meet them.

Having only skimmed the thread, I will start with my hearty congratulations. And I will jump right into disagreeing with half the thread. Im in an inter-religious (jewish-catholic, with me being the cannibal) marriage, and it has not affected us at all (lots of discussions pre-engagement regarding kid-rearing practices.

I will echo what everyone has said. Marriage is work. I highly highly recommend pre-cana classes. They are aimed at people a bit below your education level (Im guessing), but it still helps to be forced to make sure you have talked about everything before hand. In my case, we did it with just us and the priest, which I imagine leads to more openness and sharing than the group class horror stories I have heard.

As for weddings -- I wouldnt worry about the shows. If you both get along enough to get married, odds are you have similar views for what a wedding should be like. Helps to talk about it (and make sure you help in planning to the extent you can -- trust me, she's going to have more than enough on her plate), but I just wouldnt worry too much.

Finally, as someone who has done this relatively recently, feel free to email/PM me questions, et c.

And I will finally echo Krellin -- best thing ever, even though Im only more than a year in. She still makes me happy every day, as does looking at my ring.

Congrats!


My wife and I didn't tell the folks about it until well into our second year...

mrlentz: One - glad that adversaries can agree on something as wonderful as marriage! And two...yes, I must echo your idea that marriage IS work. The Bible commands MAN to LOVE his wife...and this love (as described) isn't soe emotional nonsense, but is the *action* of a man actively doing for his wife what she needs. It is NOT in man's nature to love a woman...so we *must* work to demonstrate our love to her, to *actively* show her that we love her in ways that are meaningful to her.

Weddings...uh, dude, you are there as a prop. Make HER look GREAT to everyone else, and you have done your job. Your reward will come that evening...a night i will never forget...not because it was a unique thing we did...but it was unique because of the love and emotion involved.

Wow....as I write these things, i realize how much love my wife! Sometimes we take things for granted. I thank you for reminding me of how wonderful and special she truly is. Too bad she won't read this...

Best wishes, Katsarephat!

@kaner406:

And how they reacted? My girlfriend and I were thinking about the same thing. Our parents are cool people but it's still difficult to tell if they would appreciate such a cunning prank :)

they didn't like it very much - but were happy non-the-less, and then all of a sudden they found 'more' reasons to come and visit... groan.

we also don't wear rings, we tattoo a circlet each anniversary. (cheesy, but works for us)

Congrats Katsarephat!!!

I've been planning on doing the same, just gotta get the ring, and a good time to pop the ole ?

"Weddings...uh, dude, you are there as a prop. Make HER look GREAT to everyone else, and you have done your job."

No truer words have ever been spoken. I've been married since 1998, personally, and like many here, can't imagine life without my wife. Wait. Not like that.

"If the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? If he is not, why pretend he is?"

-Don Juan from "Man and Superman"

Favorite quote on marriage, I with so much experience...yes...being all of 20 and never having ever even been in love (and as absurd as it is to be happy to miss out on that which you have never had a chance to try, I don't mind at all.)

But I wish you all the best, Katsarephat, sir! Hopefully marriage is a happy, healthy, fulfilling endeavour...and if it's not, hopefully it is in your case, anyway...

grats Katsarephat

I'll second Krellin's experiences because it mirrors my own.

Married 22 years to the same person twice (sort of). We were married by a justice of the peace but about 6 years ago we did a renewal of our vows while on a cruise with members from our church to appease my mother-in-law. Now my parents are pissed so we'll probably do it a third time when both families can be there for our 25th. The wedding itself is a hassle and i'd recommend you consider a private ceremony with your priest and a few witnesses and forego the spectacle if your bride to be is willing. Then later have a party and renew your vows in front of friends and family that is less formal and more relaxing.

@ draug,

i tend to think a formal wedding is essential. i have not yet had mine, but i can imagine how much a person can miss by not having one

Congratulations. Be happy.

I'm utterly shocked such a strong Lutheran would have a churchless wedding. Must be that god has nothing to do with marriage.

Anyway, I did not have a 'formal wedding' I suppose. We had the wedding outside of our reception "party house". We wrote our own vows (very short). We hired some random Church of Universal Life type "pastor" who does secular ceremonies. We had no bridesmaids or groomsmen, although we had a couple people stand with us. We designed our own ceremony, which was about 15 minutes long.

I don't know what is meant by formality here but I think some 'ceremony' is good to have, if you're going to bother throwing a party. If you don't care about having a party, just get the documents signed. But since the whole point is to publicly declare your unification as a family then it might be a good idea to say so in some nice way. However one of the legitimate objections to a ceremony & party is the outrageous cost. I can't believe the numbers I keep hearing about money spent on weddings. That's when you know it's become a consumerist spectacle and not a solemn declaration of union followed by a simple celebration.

<--- Non religious, didn't have a ceremony, in-laws mean nothing to us, marriage hasn't felt like work, communicate flawlessly, brutally honest, 3 years of fight free marriage so far, retain individuality while developing a relationship with endless depth, etc

I fucking love being married but all this 'advice' and the 'recommendations' littering the thread is pointless. There is no formula for marriage, like most things in life it is situational and should be individually analyzed. Communication is vital for me but there are plenty of marriages that thrive on the lack of communication, both party members just need to always be on the same page.

My wife is my best friend and this ho will always be before my half-witted 'bros'

Congrats! If nothing else, it takes guts try the marriage thing. Good for you.