Man walks into a bar. says ouch

A vulture walks onto an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."

I went to a restaurant on the moon. The food was excellent, but the place had no real atmosphere.

I found this one on the intrawebs.

"Nixon was out of the White House one day, making a speech in front of the United Nations. He didn't return until about one in the morning, and wandered into the Oval Office to make a note of something. But as soon as he walks in, he sees his wife sprawled across the desk, completely nude, and right next to her is... what's his name, the Secretary of State."
"Kissinger?"
"No, they were having sex."

The Sun newspaper in the UK is quite good for punning headlines. One of the best was in their sport section a number of years ago. Inverness Caledonian Thistle, who were at the time a lower-league team, beat giants Celtic 3-1 in shock result to knock Celtic out of the Scottish Cup.

The headline in the Sun read:

SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS!

Classic.

Nice one, Jamie!

What about:
'Titanic Sinks. Aberdeen Man Lost At Sea' (the headline of the Aberdeen Press & Journal on 16th April 1912). Not a pun, but what the hell?

On a similar theme:
"Fog in Channel, Continent Cut Off"; headline from the Daily Mirror in 1930.

Whats wrong with that one?

After an incident involving a mentally unstable man and some cleaners...
"Nut screws washer and bolts"
Again from the sun iir

@FS: nothing wrong, just illustrates perspective

Yeh sorry, guess I was just agreeing with the perspective :P

@FS: I regularly use it with my foreign colleagues, just to remind them of their place in the world.

If the world didn't suck we would all fall off...

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your whey - Miss Muffet

Seven farmers decided to play a game of diplomacy. Countries were allocated based upon a type of fruit the farmer claimed to grow, the fruit representing the colors on the map. The farmer assigned to Russia claimed to grow grapes, Italy – apples, England – pink grapefruit, France – blueberries, Germany – dates and Turkey – peaches. The game started and progressed, everybody sending messages to each other, stabbing, getting stabbed, the usual. Except Turkey, Turkey never said a word. Turns out, Turkey was actually peachless.

On the theme of newspaper headlines...

and not quite in the pun category,

my favourites are:

a) a report about the turnaround in the economic fortunes of Albania after the demise of Communism:

Tirana Boom Today

b) the second was a wonderful example of alliteration (English disease)... It was about a Middlesborough forward from (the then) Jugoslavia, and a game with Tottenham:

Borough's Bosco Baby Jancovic's Balkan Belligerence Bruises Spurs Fragile Finesse

And while music is in the air, the famous one about suddenly having an unobstructed view of a girl in a bar after the girl next to her moves away...

I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone...

Thieves have broken into our local police station and stolen the toilets. A police spokesman said they have nothing to go on...

In other news a large hole has opened up in our high street, the council say they are looking into it

@flashman - misheard lyrics (Mondegreens) are great. My fav is Sting's - "It's been five years since I blow my nose.." Message in a bottle

Most of these jokes are not punny at all.

"I'm definately going camping this summer" said Tom with intent.
"The criminals have been escorted downstairs" the butler said condescendingly.
"I dropped the toothpaste" said Tom, crestfallen.
How are those?

Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted...
peanut.

Mondegreen... great word.

England to France: "I hear Paris is lovely in the Spring, but I'd rather visit during your Fall."

@Alderian: if only we said Fall.

The advantage of easy origami is two-fold...
Velcro: What a rip off!
Do you every get half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was"?

For these and many many more see Tim Vine here:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk

Why did Beetoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they were cheering for "Bach."

This is sort of a pun, and I did make it up all on my own, as its quality should tell you.

There was an owner of a car lot.
He had a plan. On the fourth of July, he was going to attract attention to his business by having a life-size, inflatable Statue of Liberty put on the the roof of his dealership.
However he was going to be out of town and would not get back until the 3rd. He said to his employees: "Listen up: this is really important: in order to make the maximum impact, this has got to be put up on the 4th of July, not a day sooner."
However, his employees were not paying that close attention to him, so when he got back to the car lot, he found the Statue of Liberty out a day early, his planned ruinned.
Dropping to his knees, he bent over, pounded his fist on the ground, and started yelling at the employees,
"YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DARN YOU! GOSH DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!!"

Made this one up in Latin, though it works if you don't know latin too. I think it works better that way =p

Narcissists eat Eggo waffles for breakfast.

@Le_Roi
Is "Eggo" i.e. "ego" the only Latin part of that pun?

@Speaker - you watched the repeat of his Live at the Apollo gig didn't you!

What do you call a team of dancing footballers?
Charleston Athletic

@aum- unfortunately, yes. =p