congratulations!

I wouldn't take advice about marriage or relationships from people who think women are exotic animals from outer space.

As someone who is married I can say that it must be kept in mind that marriage is more than anything else a unification of two families. So, be nice to your in-laws. It's not all about the married couple. Now, feel free to disregard this advice on the basis of my previous comment.

I've told her about it but I don't go on about it with her. I figure it'd just be a live and let live sort of thing. She played Diplomacy once as part of a history class project, and I think she enjoyed it but not enough to want to play it regularly.

She *does* know I'm a huge nerd. I have a fun programming job and I like programming things for fun on weekends, and video games, and reading interesting things. She loves how active my mind is. So I don't think it'll be a problem that I do play, especially if I keep my game commitments low (2 or 3, none with less than 36 hour phase time)

And from my experience inter-religious marriages lead to problems. Now that I'm married to someone who is religious, but the people I know who have the inter-religious thing have failed. At least make sure that if they're from a different religion that 1-they're not intense about it and 2-they don't have crazy relatives who think anybody who isn't like them is the devil.

*Not that I'm married to someone who is religious.

My last post was @abgemacht.

i hope you married someone who either has a ravenous sexual appetite or at least someone unfailingly trusting and gullible.

Congratulations! I wish you a long and happy engagement! My sympathies for the inevitable marriage at the end of it.

Keep in mind that marriage is more than anything else the union of two people. It is not about the rest of your family and other hangers on, so don't fall into the trap of making your life a misery for the sake of keeping the in-laws happy. Hopefully you will all get on like a house on fire, but if not sod 'em.

^ if you listen to that, then you'll be saying his screen name all the time. Good for you my man. :D best of luck to you in the future. It's all about communication!

That was for omgwhathappened.

@Putin33: Yeah, I know I need to be nice to the in-laws. I don't like her grandmother very much because she's kind of spiteful and not very nice to my fiancée, but I know I can't really afford to call her out on that. (She's decent-ish to me, at least if I keep my expectations low, but she's supposed to be her FAMILY and I think there's a certain obligation to be nice and supportive as a result. But that's me.)

I'm Catholic and she's converting to Catholicism (not because of me). So that's all fine. Her family is largely non-religious, which I guess could hinder things if they're afraid I've convinced her to join some kind of cannibalistic cult or something, but I think they'll be okay with it.

@taos: Thanks!

Marriage is wonderful, but don't be surprised if it's hard work, too. I love it, though. It's just great knowing that you're going to come home to the same person who loves you every day, go to bed with them, and wake up with them.

i thought catholics were cannibals. the whole body and blood of christ thing?

Good. The wedding itself is not for the couple either. It's to appease the relatives and cater to their every ridiculous whim.

@omgwhathappened: She enjoys cuddling (...and more...) with me. I'm not one bit worried about that. I've never left her wanting for love (in any sense). :-)

@Octavious: Okay, that's a good point too, but how do you balance that with the notion that neither of us particularly want to be cut off from our families? Just for the sake of discussion :-)

"i thought catholics were cannibals. the whole body and blood of christ thing?"

And I thought Protestants were literalists. Guess we're both wrong.

the grandma will be dead soon....enjoy her while you can :D

Self-absorbed couples who alienate their family never make it. Blood is thicker than water.

@omgwhathappened: Yeah, that was part of the joke when I made the allusion. :-) Obviously I don't see us as cannibals, as there are quite a number of subtleties underlying the whole thing even in our belief system, but that's for another thread.

@Putin33: ...Now I'm wondering if you're trolling. :-P

unless your blood is like oil :D and you are the Terminator!

@Putin33: That was re: the wedding being for the relatives. True but I think there's an individual (er... couple) element there. I certainly agree that we can't alienate our families, and we have no plans to. But then again, can we really help it if one member of one family is hell-bent on alienating the rest of their family from us? (Your thoughts, please.)

@mr.crispy: That's not very nice, but I see your point.

No, I'm serious. My wedding was a lot of fun. But it was fun because people were happy. If half the people are going to be cranky because you didn't have a traditional white wedding then it's not going to be pleasant. A wedding is you throwing a party for other people. You don't have other parties and expect your guests to wait on you hand and foot and give you money. You wait on them hand and foot. The modern wedding has turned into a self-absorbed spectacle. If marriage is about building a family then it should include the family.

@Putin33: ...You make rather a good point about the modern wedding being quite self-absorbed. And I'm now realizing that my fiancée loves watching those TV shows that have probably helped to make it as self-absorbed as it is today... Maybe that's something that we should be discussing early.

EVERYONE ELSE: Thoughts on weddings being too self-absorbed, and whether it's worth trying to decisively break from the mold?

Well I'd say you have to be reasonable. If it's just one person and they're being especially ridiculous and pissing everyone else off then you can be safe in not catering to them. But my warning is against this tendency to think that the wedding is the "bride's day" and she doesn't have to incorporate the good intentioned input of her mother, mother-in-law, and other relatives.

I don't say this often, but Putin is right--a wedding is not really about you, especially today. People cohabit with marrying for years, and it's not even a scandal anymore. The decision to marry is all about making a statement about your relationship in front of other people, and in changing how they see your relationship. But when you change the way everyone around you sees your relationship, the relationship will change too.

@Katsarephat - Don't worry about Putin, he has trouble being normal. He's over generalizing and probably just trying to start a debate. Congratulations, even though we've had relatively little contact, I have every confidence you will be able to handle your in laws and that you'll both be very happy. All the best.

PS--the family member will come around. I had a mother of a groom who insisted she wasn't coming...but changed her mind because "I'll look like a fool." In the end, you always beat the family.

I agree with them. Family is of course the most important thing after yourselves.

Congrats my dear friend! In light of the merry union that we are about to celebrate, allow me to share a few quotes from my favorite writer of all times. It is my sincere hope that these quotes will bring some lights to your pursuit of happiness. ;-]

"If you really want to know what a woman means, which is dangerous, always look at her but never listen."

"Women give to men the very gold of their lives; but they always want it back in small change."

"Women are meant to be loved, not understood."

"If a woman wants to hold a man, she has merely to appeal to the worst in him."

- Oscar Wilde