I sincerely apologize Thucy, I had no idea.

Lmao, don't listen to KA. I'm flattered he thought I was of the fairer sex but no dice.

You may have been confused by reading that I'm a feminist, however though I know this may make no sense to you KA, being a man and a feminist are not mutually exclusive.

So, does anyone have anything to say? Or will I just be further chastized?

@KA - I've been trying to read your post to give you feedback but I keep getting interrupted here at work. I do, after all, have a job to do but I will post soon about it.

@Thucy - OMG, sorry dude.

Well, I based a lot of my critique on the assumption that the People live a fairly sheltered life, and the idea of going someplace not totally sterilised, modern, etc. would invoke a feeling of primal fear in them. If you've ever read Huxley's Brave New World, you'd see what I mean, with the scene where Leninia first went to the savage area.
I still haven't read the next chapter, though. I'll get back to you on it either tonight, or tomorrow. thinking about posting the novel I'm working on, too, while I'm at it.

yeah you're right about that onar and good comparison i hadnt actually thought about that

Wow, we have a lot of writers her. Thucy, I could have sworn that you posted something about being a girl, but I guess not. Oh, and the reason why they decide to go is because their house is getting foreclosed on and the government decides to offer any family staying on the base double paygrade for those in conflict. (Because they want the liberated Chinese to see Americans as friends who can be a stable part of their community.

like i said KA your probably remembering me saying im a feminist which to you means woman lol

No, I know plenty of male feminists...who are all gay...

@KA - I'd have to say that you have a lot of ideas going on there which seem to be conflicting the main storyline. Is the storyline in fact the war with China, its demise and the conflict in America or is it the existence of the hidden island and the kingdom which resides on it.

If it's the latter as I suspect, then perhaps you have delved a little too deep in detail into the former which prevents your 'true' story from really taking off until much later in the story. It confuses the reader.

If the plane crashes into the triangle, then wouldn't the uncle/king have been with the boy upon his awakening in the new world? They entered together after all. Why would the uncle have left the boy alone to such a point that he assumed it to be an uninhabited island such that he declared it his own.

I see great potential here but it does seem that your primary storyline needs to be defined earlier in the story and a few illogical points need to be ironed out. Still, keep working and I look forward to seeing more as it progresses.

@Thucy - did you ever read my chapter 1? I never saw a post from you on it so I wasn't sure if you had the chance to read it over. I posted it in great part to show you several of the techniques I had been describing for your story prior.

which one is that i was planning on reading all the writings in this thread tonight

It starts with "Alright then, here's Chapter 1 in its entirety then. " And it's back on page 4 of this HUGE thread.

@FirstApple: Many of those things lie within the secrets of the book. Things that I do not wish to reveal right now, but I'll post the rest of the story later today. As far as the war goes, that's not the main focus of the story, but it is only the first few chapters. And it sets the stage for a spin-off series I have planned, as well as the rest of my novel sets. I haven't just created a scenario for this one book, I've created a whole world in which I have more than thirty book ideas to base off of. I even have an idea for a TV show and a shooting game to follow along the story line. But basically, when I actually have the time to devote my life to all of this, I'll compile all my works together in a huge ass book I'll call: History in Accordance to Atom Foltz.

All I want to do is share my stories with the world...it just takes so long to write enough to fill a page!

@KA - I understand your thoughts but keep in mind that each story in a series still needs to stand on its own as well. By devoting two entire chapters to a war that is not directly the story line of the book you may very well lose your readers interest. I'm not saying to take it out by no means but the roundabout way of getting to the main story is a little extreme which you might want to consider cutting back to perhaps one chapter instead of two. By Chapter 2, a reader should start to get a 'feel' for the story and has certain expectations that need to be met if its to be an enjoyable reading experience. If you completely change every one of those expectations in chapter 3 or 4, then the reader will become frustrated as he will feel all that he has come to expect and understand is worthless and wrong. It's just a suggestion from an experienced writer - do with it what you will.

Anyone who wants to read what I've got, PM me your e-mail.

Like a Bond movie (pre-Craig), the opening sequence grabs the viewer and gives backstory without clouding the real purpose of the story. Ursula Le Guin did this really well with the opening of The Lathe of Heaven (give it a read KA, she may be a woman, but she is a far better writer than you or I will ever be).

What's it about Onar I'd be interested probably if I have time next week

You know, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received about writing is to not plan 30 books before you've even written one. It works, really, as general advice for everything in life.

Mine is a pirate fantasy story. Think like if pirates of the carribean met with a clockwork orange.

@Onar - It was a gruesomely enjoyable story thus far. You've done well in telling it overall. My primary thought though is that the exposition is extensive in most parts while leaving conversation to be minimal. You should look at using more conversation to show the story, perhaps a few more mental thoughts here and there to show the reader the emotions. Again though, i appreciate you sending it to me as I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and look forward to the rest of the book. I still don't get how Pieta got to be so physically strong though, especially when she would give in so easily in the beginning.

Well, I based that on the idea that she physically is incapable of feeling pain, so she has less limits in terms of using her muscles to hit things. There's more to it than that, though. Conversation has always been a weak point of mine, but I'll try.

hahah cool onar that sounds fun

I agree fully with SD's advice. when i have a story idea i write it down but i try to only work on one thing of fiction and one thing of non- at a time.

that way it actually gets done, in theory. my current story is the longest thing ive ever attempted but i still hesitate to call it a novel. it is really hard to crank out 100+ pages

anyway, at your comment KA that all male feminists you know are gay, tell me, what's the matter with being gay?

Thanks, thucy. Send me your e-mail, so I can send you my piece?

read that in a non-innuendo way, please.

@Thucy: I absolutely hate gay people. I don't want to turn this already huge-ass thread volatile, so I ask that you don't try to confront me about it.
@SD: I have the ideas for 30 books, but I can't imagine ever writing that many, so yes...I only plan to do one at a time.
@FA: The main purpose of the war scene is not to set up the story for other books, it's mostly to show the reader how the main character acts and behaves. I'm trying to get them warmed up to the life-hating teenager by distracting them with something exciting. (That way, he actually seems like a hero.) And I do realize that my seventy pages within the war setting is a bit much and I'd like to cut it down to thirty. Don't worry, I get advice from hundreds of people, so I'm asuming that at least one of them knows what they're doing.

Also, any name suggestions? I would greatly appreciate something new.

KA make another thread about it then because you are dead wrong.

too late onar. lol.

Damn, there goes that plan.

Apple I read your shit.

It sucks. Find a new vocation.















In actuality I really enjoyed it and find it to be not lacking in any meaningful way. Every once in a while you use wording that I find weird... the examples are hard to find but it's just little things like preposition choice or something lol.

Also tiny side note - margherita pizza is pretty common in the USA at least where i'm from, idk. i thought it was weird that jason didnt know what it was.

but yeah. i really liked it all the same i hope you do get it published i think you have a good shot.