This thread has taken a turn for the worse...let's get it back on track by me explaining my world to you...

So we have the main character...average teenager who hates his life. He is raised in a military family, but the communist regime in China is overtaken by some radicals who hate America for letting the debt ceiling climb so high. They launch a warhead at San Francisco, where our main character lives, but it is shot down by the newly completed SDI. (Technology and weapons research has recently skyrocketed due to constant war in the Middle East.) Russia becomes involved and soon China is split apart by three factions. America declares war on the most radical of factions (assuming that we can handle it on our own, we request that the U.N. is not involved), and thus our main character is forced to move to China while his family is stationed there. Everything goes by just fine until Russia decides to pull out of China (after liberating the middle leaning faction) and all resistance turns to America. After about a year of fighting, the U.N. arrives and defeats the totalitarian regime. However, a small group of remaining radicalists form an army and launch a surprise attack on us as we are preparing to leave. In the asssault, the main character's family is torn apart and the youngest member (six year old Timmy) even killed. The main character then follows through a series of depression and outrage, when his Uncle finds a cave which they hide in until the assault is repelled. In another story, this is the point where economic crisis due to the war and hyper-inflation causes riots in D.C. The government is forced to shut down temporarily, and all troops on foreign soil are temporarily abandoned (this last part will start another series that I'm working on). But, the Uncle decides that it's time to show the main character why he was brought to China in the first place. They get on a two person plane that they were able to steal from the radicalists, and head East. Unsurprisingly, the plane "crashes" in the Pacific (just over the Dragon's Triangle (similar to the Bermuda Triangle, but closer to Japan)). The main character wakes up on an island about twice the size of Australia (he, of course, doesn't know that). He wanders around and declares that it is uninhabited and that he owns it all to himself. He begins to draw a map of the island, when he stumbles across a small town where technology is as primitive as it was in the year 1000. Amazed by the fact that they live here and speak English (not as a primary dialect, but kind of how most Europeans speak it), he tries to learn of how they came here. None of them know. Shortly after his arrival, he sees an escort marching through the town, seeing his Uncle as the guard of the region's king. Extremely confused, he asks his uncle "What the fuck?" And his response is "I'll explain later." His uncle enlists him as a soldier in the king's army and he reluctantly learns how to fight. However, when battle comes, he runs away after killing a single man. After several months, he begins to accept that he is trapped on this island that his uncle refuses to say anything about. Buildungsroman follows. In the end...lot's of stuff happens...

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1TLpWq_LibcoJqZ0mYqEHng-97LSwTB3d1X3oAGj6jDA

Give that a try

Also KA I thought you hated profanity.

Also yeah I am willing to explain my character sketches in my story or the story arc I have planned but I'd just as well not tell you and see what you think as a real reader would.

It's not actually in the book. I hate the use of profanity as a misuse of expression. If it can be said any other way, do not use it. I was just trying to get my point across at your level.

Well, that's just about the first four chapters...granted they are about thirty-two pages a piece...

oh right my level lol.

You know, sadly, looking at it, I'm really not doing much better than FA. I've got seven games listed, only two of which are anon, and the anon's are really the easy part: I'm eliminated in one, and in the other, we're going to draw because a dude CD'ed. While many of the remaining 5 are pretty early on, I got a serious smackdown as Turkey in one of them, and a pretty sketchy position as Russia in another.

Hey does the link work guys

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1TLpWq_LibcoJqZ0mYqEHng-97LSwTB3d1X3oAGj6jDA

Yes. I will read it later, Thuce-dawg.

I got it. A Taste of Milan. Perfect name and a double entendre.

@Draugnar - I LOVE IT

@Thuc

Haha, I guess I forgot to put quotes around that. FirstApple was the one that said it.

Thuc@FirstApple

Haha FirstApple what do you mean youve never read anything good by a woman writer?

My ex is a writer and I think her stuff is pretty good.... even if I don't particularly like to say that to her face.

I have revised my stuff and have some more... but google docs is giving me hell.

Hang on.

Is everyone named after an explorer of some sort?

I like the ending of the first chapter, describing the situation as 'visceral,' despite nothing really happening. It tells a lot about the kind of sheltered life these 'People' lead. I also see this as having a strong social commentary about the divide between rich and poor. And a lot of influence from Huxley's brave new world. However, I haven't gotten far enough to know if the similarities are only in the mood of the piece. (I'm stopping at chapter one tonight)

@ZaZ - I WASN'T the one who said that! It was King Dumbass..., er, Atom. I was actually defending women writers. You should re-read the thread I think

@Thucy - I'll be getting on your google docs as soon as I can to give you feedback there.

Yeah Onar you caught most all what I was looking for.

Each character is linked to an imperialist of days gone by.

And yes it is an allegory.. obviously. lol.

No one seems interested in my ideas...

...and just because I haven't read anything good by a woman writer doesn't mean that I think women can't write well. (The same goes for songs, movies...well the Music Man was pretty good...) All I was saying is that typically if it's done by a woman, it isn't done well. However, I am not denying the fact that women are capable of doing everything well, if not better, than us lazy-ass men. Nevertheless, a woman's place is in the household, nothing should distract her from that.

That aside...one of my favorite things is to SHARE my ideas with people. If I had all the time n the world, I'd finish my novels, but I have this thing called school...
But any chance I get to throw my stories out to anyone is an opportunity I will use. And I do not appreciate being called a dumbass, especially by someone like FA...

The first sentence of the second segment of chapter 2 bothers me. I can't quite place it, but something about "... Frank was disappointed, Henry was irritated, and Christopher was indifferent." just doesn't sit well with my sensibilities. I think it has something to do with the credo "show, don't tell," and the fact that you're flat-out saying the character's emotions. Make it more apparent, so they actually seem to have depth of some sort. Otherwise, your characters all blend together.
I see what you're trying to do with the scene where Chris and the others meet the Projects. I don't really think it works, though. You're trying to give a feeling of... not quite claustrophobia, but... I think that to better enhance that feeling, you could put in more quotations. Also, I'd expect more of a sense of danger, given what you're trying to convey allegorically.

I will say that at the end of the chapter, Cecila's reaction came off very patronising, which, intentional or no, fits the theme and setting a lot more than anything else. Maybe I'm just biased, though.

I'll get back to you on the next chapter, I'm writing these reviews as I read. So far, there's something very Asimovian about this. Not exactly sure if that's a good thing yet.

@KA - For anyone who can honestly claim that "a woman's place is in the household..." in this day and age when it takes an honest combination of efforts from both parents in order to make ends meet and both individuals of the household have equal rights and desires to get ahead in life is, in my book, completely ludicrous. I respect your desire to write and I think you are very creative in what you've done but to hold onto a view of women to such a low degree, I cannot condone whatsoever! That is why I referred to you as 'dumbass'. No OTHER reason!

In today's day and age?
In today's day and age, idiot liberals run through the streets asking for individuality. People care a lot less about their families than they did ever before. The home has been tainted by the idealistic fantasies of today's age...
I really don't care to argue on this thread. That's not its intended purpose, so I'm going to end this right now. If you want to argue about this, we can do it somewhere else.

@KA - I applaud you for not continuing the argument here nor will I. Leave it be understood that while I do respect you for your writing and desires in such and even your individuality that you show on this site, I can never condone a view of the world such as the one you continually demonstrate. At that, we shall just agree to disagree forever.

Alright, to avoid unmerrited ridicule, I'm going to give you all the condensed version of my book. I have the first seven or eight chapters already written out, but I don't feel like revising them just for you all. Anyways, I'll just give you a basic idea of my book and I'll take crtique on how I can improve the plot and storyline. (I'm not one for critiquing myself, that's why you haven't heared much from me.) Also, I'd like someone to come up with a name for the main character, I'm not very good at that.

The main character is brought to China as the war begins. His family, one mom, one dad, one Uncle Rick, two little brothers, and an older brother. His sister goes off to college right before, so she stays in America and becomes involved in another book of mine. The family arrives at the military base and constantly have to deal with alarms and sirens. After a great deal of damage is done to the base, they decide to take the families to private homes, where they hope to have them blend in the with local white communities. The main character is forced to share a room with his younger siblings due to a lack of space and decides to sleep outside one night. Meanwhile, a full attack is launched on the extremist regime's main base. Uncle Rick sneaks away from the convoy and sets up a sniping position outside the base. The leader of the rebels happens to be visiting the base at the time. Uncle Rick recognizes him and promptly blows his head off. The guards at the base call for emergency actions and soon the entire communist military is prepared for the U.S.'s assault. Many more die than needed, but the victory is still won. Uncle Rick evades court martial and retreats to some caves for hiding. In retalliation, the regime decides to bomb all residential areas that contain white residents. One of those places happens to be the house where our main character is sleeping outside. He hears a loud, but distant explosion and runs inside to see what has happened. He wakes everyone up (only his mom, his brothers, and he himself are there.) The mom decides to call the general to tell him about what they heard. The phone lines are dead, however, and they decide to go outside to ask some of the neighboors what has happened. Several planes fly overhead and drop bombs all over the community. One hits their house and a large piece of shrapnel hits his mom (who I neglected to mention, is pregnant). The main character tells the younger ones to watch their mother and to find shelter. He runs to the neighbooring houses to try to assist them in escaping, but finds the house empty. The house collapses upon him as he looks out the window, seeing his youngest brother being shot by a man who he thinks he recognizes. He wakes up the next day to find that the area has become a battle ground. Hundreds of soldiers are shooting at each other as a tank rolls down the street and planes continue to fly over head. His eyes are murky and he can hardly see a thing, but he distinctly hears his uncle screaming at him to get down. Before he can react, a bullet rips through his shoulder and knocks him to the ground. His uncle grabs him by the collar and drags him to a strange hatch where a large supply of food is being stored. The main character has trouble breathing and slowly passes out. He wakes up in a small, two person plane. His wound has been tended to and his vision has cleared. He looks around and realizes that the pilot has ejected from the plane. Knowing little about flight from what his father (who is an Air Force pilot) has taught him, he safely crashes the plane into the ocean and tries to swim to land. He quickly runs out of stamina and clings to a small piece of the plane. As he sleeps, it drifts and brings him to an unkown world. The realm of Kingor.

That was about three chapters...more to follow.

@KA - You are willing to take critique? Last time I said something about your writing you got upset. I'll be more than willing to critique your work honestly and justly if in fact you are not going to be up-in-arms about it.

Thanks Onar - for now I will say that yes Cecilia's reaction is intentionally meant to be perceived as patronizing.

Her character is planned to a be a static one - the naive innocent girl with pure motives - to help - but with almost ridiculous perceptions of those she wants to "help" She is the most paternalistic of all. She represents the trope in African development of the idealistic young woman who doesn't fucking know shit about what she is interested in. Lol.

Interesting about the scene where they go outside can you be a little more specific with your advice - you think it should be more fearful? In my experience the feeling is more of one of being dazed and slightly removed from the situation, perhaps as a reaction to the utter chaos danger and unfamiliarity of what they are experiencing.

I can try to directly express that better. I also see what you mean about the statement of their emotions but I have to say here that I'm not totally in agreement. I'll look at it again with that in mind though thanks Onar

@FirstApple: You changed it. I'd rather you tell me what you think I should do, so I can still do it my own way.

He just gives you an example. There is no shame in listening to and using ideas freely given to you by others - this idea that everything you use must be 100% original is not only short-sighted, but impossible.

Thucydides is correct, I only gave an example of what I was talking about. Describing changes to text can be difficult to make sure the receiving party understands accurately what you're talking about. On the other hand, a picture paints a thousand words so by giving you an example, it is a lot like painting a picture for you.

Furthermore, he is also correct is stating that ideas do not need to be nor should they be 100% from the writer. My work is 100% original but I have had several people give me various levels of input at different stages from speech techniques to cultural traditions to just plain grammar corrections, etc.