INQUISITOR: You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of
life. Tell me, what you have done to deserve this superlative good
fortune?
RIMMER: Well, I say this with the highest respect, but what gives you the
right to ask -- no, actually -- demand that answer of me, Your
Magnificence? (He curtsies and bows.)
INQUISITOR: All must answer to the Inquisitor!
RIMMER: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
INQUISITOR: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge
shall be...
The INQUISITOR lifts his facemask to reveal... RIMMER's face.
INQUISITOR: ...yourself!
RIMMER: Oh smeg!
INQUISITOR: "Oh smeg," indeed, matey!
RIMMER: Everyone is judged by their own self?
INQUISITOR: It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
Now then, justify yourself.
RIMMER: Well, first I--
INQUISITOR: (Interrupting) Liar!
RIMMER: I've done good things.
INQUISITOR: No, you haven't!
RIMMER: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
INQUISITOR: No, you didn't.
RIMMER: Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
INQUISITOR: When?
RIMMER: Ah! (Points off behind the throne) What's that in the corner?
It's the archangel Gabriel! Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man!
Hallelujah!
INQUISITOR: You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green-discharge of
a man, aren't you?
RIMMER: Well... sort of, yes.
INQUISITOR: So then, _justify_ yourself!
RIMMER: What else could I have been? My father was a half-crazed
military failure, my mother was a bitch-queen from hell. My brothers
had all the looks and talent. What did I have? Unmanageable hair and
ingrowing toenails. Yes, I admit I'm nothing. But from what I started
with, nothing is up.